BOZEMAN, MT – Eliza Shaffer, a freshman at Willow High School in suburban Montana was shocked today when she found out that the world, in fact, does not revolve around her. Shaffer was quoted in a recent interview saying, “it just seemed like I was always, like, the most important person in the room, you know? I always get what I want because I threaten people with this giant knife I found outside an IHOP one time. I guess I just thought that, like, people would always do things for me or whatever.” Shaffer came to this stark realization after Jake Cohen, totally the hottest boy in the entire school, turned Shaffer down for the school’s ‘Lets Have A Winter Wonderland Dance While We Still Can’ dance. Which is soon to be the ‘Global Warming Really Messed With the Soybean Crop’ dance. Shaffer told reporters that “It was really hard for me to be rejected like that, and that’s when I realized the world doesn’t revolve around me.” Cohen was unable to comment at this time, but his mother and father ask that you keep Jake in your prayers, as the recovery period from the injury will interfere with Jake’s ability to just be so damn attractive that it hurts.
-Maddie Gottfried, Contributor