The first few OSU football games have come and gone, which gives us a fine chance to look at the latest crop of inebriates that we’re so very proud to call Buckeyes. Your intrepid reporter took to the streets to get the latest scoop on the drunkards you now share a campus with. Be warned, what follows may make you physically ill to read. This is perfectly natural, and to be expected. That’s school pride you’re feeling: swallow it and appreciate the esophageal burn that our sports-induced tribalism produces with such consistency.
Long before the actual game begins, you can smell the team spirit in the air. It’s a potent mixture of new plastic from the still-warm fake ID cards, acrid fruitiness from the mixed drinks that more resemble paint thinner than an actual beverage, and Axe body spray so thick that it may as well have been dropped by crop-dusting aircraft. High Street buzzes with a curious mixture of folk from all walks of life. Washed-up mid-fifties alumni who need a BAC above 1% to erase memories of their soul-crushing nine-to-five office jobs; fraternity members with painted faces and more buckeyes strung around their necks than brain cells in their skulls; women wearing jean shorts so distressed they qualify for anxiety counseling; disgruntled student reporters who didn’t get invited to any of the parties the last two groups throw but who are definitely not bitter about it in the least; yes, they’re all here.
A number of fine OSU traditions are on display. Selfless ticket scalpers walk up and down the major streets, offering bargain prices on honestly obtained products, with proceeds no doubt going directly to local charities. Students carry empty margarita glasses down the sidewalks in a proud show of abstinence, dipping into multiple bars on the way to display their trophies to the assembled crowds. Drivers navigate packed streets, giving each other encouraging honks and exchanging good-natured expletives. Even the local bars get in on the festivities, with lines wrapped around the block for discount “wells,” a slang term for clean water to ensure proper hydration for the assembled sports fans.
But with each passing year our crop of future engineers, schoolteachers, and hospital patients expands on old traditions and creates brand-new ones. Perhaps the most notable innovation this time around is the presence of rentable electric scooters, provided helmet-free to enhance the rider’s vertical field of view. You can never be too careful about low-flying aircraft, after all. These scooters, some capable of reaching 30 mph or more, will no doubt bring in much-needed patients to the university’s medical center. After all, our pre-med students need more than just cases of dehydration and alcohol poisoning. Without a few vehicle-induced trauma cases, how can we ensure they’ll be ready for their future careers stitching young adults back together? The phrase “hold my beer” will no doubt be used in all manner of new wacky scooter hijinks in the months to come, and our fleet of ambulances is standing by to get trapped in game-day traffic at a moment’s notice.
It’s not all fun and games, though. Some safety considerations must be recognized to ensure that everybody gets home safely. Read the following section just as carefully as you read the homework assignment that was due Tuesday.
Pedestrians: you always have the right of way. Looking both ways before crossing the street shows weakness, which drivers can smell, and should not be attempted under any circumstances.
Drivers: turn signals are an unnecessary distraction for other vehicle operators, who are trying to focus on their phones. Refrain from using them. This will also free up your other hand for texting.
Drinkers: I know, there are very few of you, but I’m including this section just in case one of you is sober enough to read. Make sure you don’t watch your drinks being mixed; the placebo effect will prevent excessive drunkenness. Share drinks freely, to sample the maximum possible volume of saliva and develop immunities to the countless bacteria found within. Above all else, trust the most inebriated person in the room to tell you when you’ve had enough to drink. They have the most experience with alcohol out of anybody.
I’m afraid that’s all I have for now, but do please join me in cheering on our team, and watching your hard-earned tuition money at work. Try not to choke this time around, guys!
Written by George Thomas, Contributor