HOLLYWOOD–The recent downturn of economic events has wreaked havoc on hard-working citizens all across America. With the stock market being the way it is (bad) and layoffs occurring at nearly every business, many Americans are struggling to get by. One such American is Dennis Richardson, who recently lost his employment with Big Dick Productions, one of the leading producers of adult films in the country. Richardson, known to many as Long Schlong Larry, was at a loss for what to do when his former employer let him go. “I mean, I was absolutely devastated,” said Richardson, recalling the sense of hopelessness he felt after the destruction of his career. “I just didn’t know what to do. Porn was my whole life, you know? One minute I was getting laid, the next I was getting laid off. And to have your livelihood just stripped away from you like that…that changes you as a man and as an actor.” It was this feeling of complete dejection that set the tone for Richardson’s harrowing journey into unemployment. When asked about his first few weeks without a job, Richardson revealed his battle with impotency and utter boredom. “Yeah it was like my dick couldn’t even get hard, man. I was just sitting around the house watching some of my old productions because I had nothing better to do and I still couldn’t get it up,” said Richardson.
Eventually, Richardson, as all good Americans do, pulled himself up by his jockstrap and began to seek new employment. The only job he could find, however, was as a lead actor in a feature film, a small project titled “The Shape of Water.” Richardson almost didn’t even audition, considering it far beneath him to even entertain the idea of taking such a role. But for Richardson, as is the case for many people seeking reemployment, it all came down to one thing: money. “I was super broke at the time, yeah. The job paid a lot less than Big Dick Productions, but at that point my main concern was putting food on the table…I had to take the role.” It wasn’t easy for Richardson to disclose the nature of his new position to family and friends. When Richardson told his mother that he had auditioned for and received the role of Amphibian Man, she was especially disappointed, cutting off all contact and writing him out of her will. She was quoted as saying “No son of mine would be caught dead filming anything as trashy as a Guillermo del Toro production. Dennis should be ashamed of himself for getting involved with a crowd like that.” Despite the lack of support, Richardson took on the role and found that it was easier than expected. When asked about the difficulty of the part, Richardson replied “Nothing could’ve prepared me better for the role of a sexy fish guy than my years in the porn industry. I mean the stuff we were filming was like little league compared to the tastefully kinky stuff I did at Big Dick.”
Now Richardson’s film is nominated for an Oscar and he’s a bit concerned about all the publicity and media attention he’s receiving. He told this reporter “I’m pretty ashamed that I had to stoop so low and that now everybody is seeing me at my worst. I just wish they’d view me as Long Schlong Larry and not as this classically trained actor because honestly, it’s super embarrassing.” The United States’ economy is crumbling, and because of that, good Americans like Dennis “Long Schlong Larry” Richardson are being forced into shameful professional acting work. It won’t be long until someone like Richardson EGOTs, and then it’s all downhill from there.
Written by Francesca Varga, Staff Writer