Women have been kicking ass and taking names ever since Eve first disrespected fruit property rights. While normally we take time to admire all the badass ladies who have ever lived by celebrating them during Women’s History Month (from March 1st through March 31st,) some women are so unruly that their stories can’t be contained by a single month. They broke gender expectations by viciously killing people! Take the quiz below to find out which of history’s infamous female murderers you are.

Why did you first begin your crimes?

  1. It was the best way to pass the time in boring East Texas.
  2. You were just too good at poisoning.
  3. Mania brought on by generations of inbreeding.
  4. An insatiable need to fight for a balanced budget.

Who did you target as victims?

  1. The biggest banks this side of the Mississippi.
  2. The weak and vulnerable, who were your patients.
  3. The weak and vulnerable, who were your subjects.
  4. The weak and vulnerable, who were your constituents.

How long did you operate?

  1. Two exciting years, before going out in a blaze of glory.
  2. Sixteen years, before being declared criminally FUNsane and sentenced to an asylum.
  3. Ten years as ruler while your husband was off fighting the Ottomans. #slayqueen
  4. Eleven years, making you the longest serving British Prime Minister of the 20th Century!

How are you remembered?

  1. As a romantic icon of a bygone era.
  2. As a dangerous reminder of how stressful it is to be in nursing school.
  3. As a vampiress who retained youth by soaking in blood, and I’m NOT talking about a diva cup.
  4. As a trailblazer in conservative politics, both in hating poor people and in getting dementia.

Sum the numbers from your answers to find out which girlboss/murderer you are!

0 – 3: You’re Bonnie Parker!

One half of the infamous bank robber duo Bonnie and Clyde, she inspired girls across the country to smoke cigarettes and shoot at cops.

4 – 6: You’re Jane Toppan!

Her stated goal was to kill more people “than any other man or woman who ever lived.” This glass ceiling, unfortunately, remains unbroken.

7 – 9: You’re Countess Elizabeth Báthory, The Blood Queen of Hungary!

It has been theorized that all of her crimes were fabricated so a male rival could steal control of her lands. A woman’s mental state being questioned because of bleeding? Looks like the 15th century wasn’t so different after all.

10 – 12: You’re Margaret Thatcher!

Perhaps the most accomplished killer on this list, she embraced the pejorative nickname ‘The Iron Lady’ just like she embraced austerity measures that reports have linked to over 120,000 preventable deaths.


Written by Ian Gray, Contributor