Women. You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em. As much as I’d love to call myself a “ladies’ expert”, I have to admit that I don’t understand a goddamn thing about women. Men and women live vastly different lives; while men like me are consistent in their likes and interests (BRUINS FOR LIFE), women just can’t seem to pick something and stay with it! First it was Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks and those Han Solo lookin’ jackets, then it was duck lips and peace signs, and now it’s all VSCO this, hydroflask that! And it drives me and my fellow boys up a wall!
Now, normally when I’m feeling like this, I take my opinions to Twitter or Reddit and just vomit all over the internet. Millions of straight, white, cisgender men like me seem to feel the same: these floozies can’t make up their ding-dang minds, and we’re sick of it! But as I found out yesterday, this opinion isn’t gonna fly anymore.
There I was, sitting on the couch, feet propped up while I sipped a Bud Light. I was idly scrolling through Instagram and happened upon a picture my younger sister posted of her and her friends on the first day of their Junior year of high school. To my surprise – and horror! – they were all wearing high ponytails with pooka shell necklaces and oversized t-shirts! I called my wife over, and she took a break from the household chores to peek over my shoulder. “Wow, Katie looks really tan,” she commented. I shook my head adamantly.
“No, look at what she’s wearing,” I insisted, gesturing to the t-shirt I was more and more convinced was one of my own. “I’m not even sure she’s wearing any pants!” I couldn’t explain why looking at my baby sister like that was so irritating, but the more I stared at that sure-to-be-heavily-edited picture, the worse I felt. “It’s just so…stupid!”
I expected my wife to agree with me, but instead she asked why I felt that it was “stupid”. To my surprise, I couldn’t come up with a solid answer. I fumbled for a few moments, trying and failing to express myself. I eventually settled on, “Why would you even want to wear a t-shirt that doesn’t fit?”
That was the wrong thing to say, apparently. From there, I was subjected to a thirty-minute talk about “bodily autonomy” and “letting people enjoy themselves”. I tried to bring up how this whole VSCO girl trend was just a repeat of trends seen in the past, like boybands or silly bands or bandanas hangin’ out of their goddamn pockets and a million other things under the sun. My wife – my wife of five years, mind you! – kept asking “why”, and I kept answering “it just is!” She took a moment to look me dead in the eye and called me a misogynist. And here I was,
thinking that “’til death do us part” really meant that we were in it for the long haul together. Guess I’m the idiot in this situation.
So apparently women don’t like it when you make fun of them or call them stupid for just…doing things. I mean, I myself thought there was plenty of reason in disliking something for existing, but according to a reliable source, that kind of thing isn’t okay. I just wanted to put it out there for my fellow men to be aware of. The moral of the story is that when you hate VSCO girls – or whatever women are doing nowadays – come up with a good reason for it.
Well, on the other hand, maybe it shouldn’t have to be that way. I mean, why should we, as men, have to stick to our opinions, too? Women are over here changing their minds every other day, so why can’t we? Maybe today I’ll learn my lesson and respect my lovely wife of five years who cooks and cleans and basically does everything for me, and maybe tomorrow I’ll comment on a picture of my friend’s daughter calling her a slut. Who knows!
(Author’s note: I, in no way, endorse the Boston Bruins.)
Written by Madison Richards, Contributor