In a Tuesday email to all students, staff, and faculty, university President Kristina Johnson announced that all on-campus residents must be submissive and breedable by October 15th. Students who do not abide by this mandate will not be able to register for Spring Semester classes.
“With the year of COVID we’ve had, we felt that it was best if all Ohio State students, faculty, and staff agree to be submissive and breedable for the foreseeable future,” the President stated in her email.
Some students are voicing complaints with the requirement set by the university. “You know, this is a disgrace to our way of life,” Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity recruitment chair Chad Johnson stated. “I mean, I can tell my bros in private that they are looking submissive and breedable, but now I have to prove it to the University?”
“I don’t know what the big deal is, we already get destroyed by Alabama every winter, what’s the whole year,” argued sophomore Jonathan Stronghold.
Students who do not have documentation stating that they are submissive and breedable on file with the school will have to send in screenshots, videos, or have a University official run their finger down their lips.
Those who have chosen not to be submissive and breedable will have an opportunity to win some prizes before the deadline, however. Further details on the program have not been released, but last week’s grand prizes included the shortest jean shorts possible, a Buckeye branded maid costume, and tickets to the latest Jacob Sartorius concert.
“Over 73 percent of our campus has already stated that they are submissive and breedable, so we are making strides,” says Vice President of Student Life Melissa Shivers. “Let’s get to the finish line together, Buckeyes.”
–By Henry Levenberg, Staff Writer