Last night The Knowlton College of Engineering in collaboration with the College of Arts and Sciences announced a new policy to “take care” of pro-life protesters. “These hecklers are everywhere and we must deal with them no matter the cost,” says Proach Joyce, the head engineer behind this new development. We were lucky enough to have a private interview with Joyce, here’s how it went:

Sundial: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us!

Joyce: Thank you for having me!

Sundial: Jumping right into things, tell us how this crazy engineering feat works.

Joyce: Well I rigged the Oval, North Campus, and the Union to all have trap floors. I also replaced all of the blue lights – because no one was using those – with state-of-the-art “Red Lights”. If you click the Red Light a 5×7 hole will open and a little drone with motion sensor abilities will shoot a little laser at the protestor’s feet until they fall in.

Sundial: Very interesting. Can you tell us what happens once the protester falls into the hole?

Joyce: I’m glad you asked! Once the protester is in the hole they are thrust onto a slippery slide so no one sues us, where eventually they will encounter Jim Bob.

Sundial: Sorry not to interrupt, but who is Jim Bob?

Joyce: Oh, yeah, Jim Bob is the trash monster that lives in the OSU sewers. 

Sundial: I’m sorry, what?

Joyce: When I was creating the blueprints for this project, I discovered Jim Bob. I think he might be a formation of food and game day waste activated by the McCracken power plant. 

Jim Bob pictured by Proach Joyce

Sundial: So what happens after the protesters encounter Jim Bob?

Joyce: They must battle to the death and feed on his remains to survive.

Sundial: What?!

Joyce: Don’t worry, none of the prototypes have survived. I have a feeling Jim Bob is going to keep surviving and evolving for a long time. 

Sundial: So you are sending these people to their deaths?

Joyce: Yep

Sundial: Okay then. 

You read it here folks, Proach Joyce is making this campus a better and safer space for all. Hopefully, the grass is greener on the other side.

Written by Sydney Katznelson