In the year 1878, my great great great great great grandmother carried out the following ritual as she witnessed the very first solar eclipse of her lifetime. As time went on, this has become a tradition for the generations of women in my family. While previously kept only between our family, I think it is time this practice is shared so that others may join in on our tradition. Follow these steps, in order, to ensure you have a fruitful eclipse and to bring good tidings to you until the next time the sun gets overshadowed:
– Smoke a cigarette to completion
– Smoke another cigarette to completion
– Smoke half of one cigarette
– Stare into the sun without protectives lenses
– Finish smoking the remaining half of the cigarette
– Indulge in some chewing tobacco
– Smoke a cigarette to completion
The last time we experienced an eclipse was my freshman year of high school. I followed these steps as directed and was viewed as the coolest person to ever grace the cornfields of rural Ohio. This doesn’t come without some critics, though. Your primary care doctor may try to stop you from participating in this. They may try to label you a smoker and warn of the “serious health implications” smoking causes. Not to fear, though, Grandmother had informed me that others may be jealous and also taught me how to deal with pushback. If a doctor says this to you, simply reply, “Smoker??? I hardly know her!”. This is highly effective, and also always obviously hilarious.
Written by Marley “Menthol” Boro