By Jovial Bob Stine
Originally Published December 1962
Note: Stine’s Line was a recurring feature in the Sundial from 1962-1965.
“I’m going to be undone by fools and boondockers.” – Proust
So you think people haven’t become too sensitive these days? Hah! Read this story a popular magazine printed:
A boy and girl were eating spaghetti one evening in New York when it began to rain. “Oh, my!” exclaimed the little girl. “I forgot my umbrella.”
At that moment an old man with a big, shaggy dog tripped over a pack of cigarettes and fell to the floor, injuring himself quite badly.
A United Nations representative walked over to the old man, helped him up, and asked for directions to the German Embassy.
Interesting story, wasn’t it? Now look at the letters the magazine received following its publication:
To the Editor:
I thought your story was appalling. The Italians in this country have a hard enough time as it is without you stereotyping them. Your use of spaghetti was a cruel and slanderous blow to the Italian people.
Elliot Ness
Clowns:
I think New York is a wonderful place in which to live. Why must you always knock New York in your crummy stories?
L.T.
Slobs:
We weathermen have a hard enough time as it is without you making cracks about the weather.
R. T.
Sirs:
As a woman I found myself totally offended by your story. Why must the woman always be portrayed as a forgetful dolt? I’m sure that women all over the country agree with me that you story was most unfair.
T.T.
Sirs:
As an old man I found myself totally offended by your story. Why must the old man always be portrayed as a clumsy idiot? I’m sure that old men all over the country agree with me that your story was most unfair.
Old T. T.
Sirs:
As a big, shaggy dog I found myself totally offended by your story. Why must a big, shaggy dog always accompany a dirty, old man? I’m sure that big, shaggy dogs all over the country would like to bite you in the leg.
R. T. T.
Clods:
Your insinuations that a pack of cigarettes can do harm to the human body are totally unfounded. Expect to hear from my attorneys.
H. A. Koffman
Pres., Cigarette Inst.
Fools:
Your insinuations that a person can be injured quite badly by a poor, innocent floor are totally unfounded. You will be floored by my attorneys.
R. T. Hardwood
Pres., Floor Inst.
Dolts:
Your insinuations that a big, shaggy dog can be led around by an old man are totally unfounded. Expect a bite in the leg.
R. T. T.
Pres., Big Shaggy Dog Inst.
Sirs:
World tensions being what they are, it is imperative that you leave the United Nations, our last hope, alone. What if the communists got a copy of your story? Think of the propaganda you are handing to them.
J. P.
German-haters!
R. Z.
Italian-haters!
E. Z.
Big, shaggy dog-haters!
R.T.T.
Gentlemen:
Just a few lines to thank you for the story. I enjoyed it very much, but in the future, couldn’t you make your stories a little more controversial? This story was okay, but it really didn’t say anything. Please print a story with some guts, and stop worrying about offending people. They aren’t as sensitive as you think.
A Story Fan