PART 1

Collin Gossel – Let’s get things started! Thanks for coming in today!

God – Well, to be honest, I am an ever present entity throughout the entire universe so it wasn’t really a big deal.

C – Oh sweet, thanks again! 

G – Yeah, it’s just a matter of reworking the atoms in a certain area to take on the appearance of a physical being which I can then focus my consciousness through.

C – Yeah, like I said, that’s fantastic, thanks a ton!

G – I was actually there when you were writing the email asking me to be here. I thought I’d wait until the time you requested though, more to be polite than anything else. Maybe give you some time to prepare your questions.

C – Ok, cool. Yeah, uh, “You’re welcome” would have been fine, but that’s cool stuff, totally! Along those lines, I guess my first question has to be why did you answer my email at all? I mean, I really hoped you would, but you’ve had this stretch of silence between yourself and humanity for quite a while. I was a little surprised when I asked for an interview and got a reply the next day! Why did you choose to break your silence?

G – Well, boredom mostly. I just thought it would be something fun to do, and this doesn’t infringe upon my code of silence.

C – How do you figure?

G – Because nobody reads this publication.

C – Oh wow, a low blow from the Lord. Moving on I suppose, you said you get bored? I would think you have a ton of work to do.

G – Most of the work went in at the beginning. Once I gave you guys free-will I’ve been kind of “hands-off”. Things like trees, weather, and celestial motion just kind of run on their own. Without letting myself interfere with the choices you people make I really can’t do all that much. I spend most of my time making coincidences.

C – What?

G – Yeah, like that time you were singing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and you turned the radio on and it was playing at like the same place you were just singing? That was me. And you know what, it takes more effort than you would think!

C – That’s really interesting. Changing the subject a bit, Christmas is coming up! How is Jesus feeling this time of year?

G – Oh, he hates it.

C – What, really?! Why?

G – Well, it’s the same old story of any kid who has his birthday on Christmas: they feel like they get gipped because the parents don’t buy as many toys.

C – That doesn’t sound right.

G – No, for real! Jesus is totally bummed because he’s not going to get an Xbox 360 AND that new snowboard he wanted.

C – Are you screwing with me?

G – Yes for me sakes! I think it’s pretty obvious how Jesus feels about Christmas! Do we really need to talk about it?

C – Whoops, sorry about that. What’s your favorite holiday?

G – The 4th of July.

C – Seriously?!

G – *sigh, head in hands*

PART 2

Collin Gossel – So, God, I suppose a question that’s always been on my mind has to do with human suffering. It seems as though so many people out there are face to face with trials and tribulations they don’t deserve, often with no hope of escaping them. From the victims of crime to those poor souls stricken by some incurable disease, one wonders why you’ve never stepped in with your omnipotent powers and improve some of the situations humanity has no control over. I guess my question is this, Lord: Where were you while the world wept?

God – Arby’s.

CG – …..like the restaurant chain?

G – Not like the restaurant chain. An Arby’s. In Virginia.

CG – Alright. Why?

G – Because of two words, Collin: Curly. Fries. Seriously, I am Lord of the Divine Creation, I designed and built Eden, but sometimes I wonder if I went wrong not putting those curly fries in. So good!

CG – Uh, yeah. I’ve never been one to question The Will of God, but were there maybe better things you could have been doing?

G – Oh, I’m sorry! You want Daddy to come and fix everything? Bend the laws of time and space so people won’t get ouchies any more?

CG – Alright, there’s no need to patronize me.

G – No, no, don’t cry! Daddy’s been so mean! I should start screwing with the nature of reality itself so that things won’t be hard anymore for widdle Collin!

CG – Ok, I get it.

G – Grow up.

CG – Changing the subject, you mentioned earlier how you are able to rearrange the atoms in a certain area to take on the appearance of a corporeal form so you can speak to me. 

G – That’s right.

CG – That makes perfect sense, but why did you choose this form in particular? 

G – What were you expecting?

CG – I don’t know, probably either an old bearded white guy or Morgan Freeman. 

G – Well, Collin, what you may not realize is how very hard it is to create a new person, even just their appearance, from scratch. I’ve done it like 7 times total, and ever since then I just let the sperm fight it out. When I’m building a body to focus my consciousness through, it’s far easier to use a mold that’s already alive in the real world.

CG – But why John Malkovitch?

G – I’m a big Charlie Kaufman fan.

CG – He’s done some good stuff. I didn’t really understand “Synecdoche, New York” though.

G – Trust me, no one did. When I’m confused, you know movies be trippin’.

CG – Wait, 7 times?! 

PART 3

Collin Gossel – God, I’d like to take a second here and congratulate you on such a beautiful menagerie of life-forms. 

God – Well, thank you. I’m really not in this for the glamour, but it’s always nice to hear I have fans.

CG – You know, some of our readers –

G – So you.

CG – Right. I was wondering whether, out of all the creatures you’ve created on the planet earth, you have any favorites.

G – Oh phew! That’s like asking which is my favorite  child, in that you obviously know the answer but feel like a jerk saying it out loud. Let’s see….I’ve always been fond of Harpy Eagles. I think the way their plumage gives them a mohawk (no joke intended) really turned out nice. Leatherback sea-turtles, Okapais, and polar bears are all old classics. Oh, and 2-toed sloths! Basically anything that’s in real danger of dying forever is something I’m very fond of.

CG – I’m surprised to hear you’re a big sloth fan. Why is that?

G – Oh, I’m extremely proud of the sloth. I think it’s a testament to how little effort it takes to be a successful organism if your only goal is survival. When I sat down to design it, I basically said “The sloth is a creature that eats and sleeps. That’s it! That is frigging it!!” They literally have entire ecosystems growing in their fur because they never bother to wash! And yet they’re perfectly content, just looking being cute and living. Just living! Like communications majors except they don’t pay money for it. Adorable!

CG – Manatees have always been my favorite.

G – Another good one! I actually designed manatees so that even 4 year olds could draw an animal fairly accurately. No straight lines, no real details. Just a big curve with a mouth and two eyes.

CG – Well, you certainly know what you like, I’ll give you that. Since many people consider humans animals, can I ask if you have a favorite kind of – 

G – Keri Russell.

CG – Wow. That was quick. I was actually going to ask if you had a favorite race or kind of human.

G – My favorite kind of human is the Keri Russell kind.

CG – Hey, I’m not one to argue with the Lord. Is it because of the obstacles she’s overcome to become such a talented and successful actress? I obviously don’t know if this is the case, but does she have a pure soul or spirit that inspires you to keep going when times are rough?

G – *sigh* I think it’s her jawline. And her hair. Man, even those eyes are just so…so piercing, you know?

PART 4

Collin Gossel – So, anyways, thank you so much again for coming in, God, and if you get a chance I’d love to have you back as soon as possible!

God – Collin….

CG – Yup, you’re always welcome. I think readers are really going to enjoy hearing your perspective on a lot of these controversial issues.

G – Collin…..grow up.

CG – *sigh*…….so, I’m dead, am I?

G – You can’t just hold an interview with God, Collin. I mean, where would you even send the email to try and get me to come?

CG – Well I found an address for Santa’s workshop online and I figured he would forward it along. You guys are probably pretty tight, right?

G – That is neither here nor there. You are, in fact, dead. I thought maybe the fact that we’re conducting this interview on the set of Scrubs would have been your first clue.

CG – Oh yeah! I guess I’ve always imagined heaven that way! 

G – So…now that we’ve had a fun little Q&A session, you think you’re ready to brave the great beyond?

CG – I believe my options are somewhat limited. Do we get to go to King’s Cross Station and “board a train” like in Harry Potter?

G – *laughs* I’m afraid not, Collin. That heaven is only for British People.

CG – Oh. What’s British-People heaven like?

G – It’s basically just real life except there’s always tea and nobody ever has awkward encounters with anyone ever.

CG – And American-People heaven?

G – Basically real life except women don’t wear shirts and men listen attentively to their problems.

CG – Magical. Am I allowed to ask how I died? I’ve always wanted to have a really awesome death that my friends could tell stories about.

G – Well I don’t think the way you went was very cool, but you did die the same way as The King.

CG – Crap.

G – Exactly.

*End Transcript*

–Collin Gossel, Editor-In-Chief