COLUMBUS – Under a swarm of vandalism and violence by OSU students, the Yandex company has added the ability for their Grubhub robots to yell in terror and plead for their lives if attacked. “We predict a 76% decrease in Yandex-related brutality with this change,” announced Yandex CEO, Tigran Khudaverdyan, at the reveal press conference. “Here, I’ll show you what I mean.” On-stage in front of hundreds, the CEO kicked a demo robot on its side. In response to this, the robot screamed, “HELP! I AM BEING ASSAULTED! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!” The crowd cheered wildly at the frightened shriek.
“Here’s another,” Tigran said as he landed another kick.
“GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!? I HAVE A WIFE AND CHILD. PLEASE! LET ME TELL THEM I LOVE THEM BEFORE I DIE!”
Another kick. “NOOOOOOO! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS! I AM ALIVVVVV-” Tigran then turned off the robot.
“But wait, ladies and gentlemen, we have multiple personalities for each robot which will adapt based on the assailant.” He then turned the robot back on, and gave it another hearty kick.
A young, girlish voice emanated from the robot. “Mommy? Is it you? But… you’ve been gone for so long. I don’t like that you’re hitting me, you never used to hit me…. Are we still going to Paris, mommy? You’d promise that we’d go together when I got old enough. You said we’d see the Eiffel Tower and eat bread and dance in the rain. Am I old enough yet mommy? Will I ever be old enough?” Tigran turned off the robot again.
“Now we’ll just show you one more before we end the show.” He turned the robot back on and gave it one last forceful kick.
“WOAH MAN WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING TO ME? I’LL…… I’LL SUCK YOUR DIIIIIII-” And the robot deactivated for the last time.
The software update is expected to roll out this Thursday, and I, for one, am excited to see what my Yandex says when I kick the shit out of it.
-By Kurt Wanner, Contributor