SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS, MONTANA, USA—Taking a break from bomb making this past Wednesday to talk to Sundial Reporters, local hermit Gene Karczewski revealed that he is “intensely displeased with the current slot of extremely radical candidates for President of the United States.”
“I just don’t feel like he really encapsulates my ideas of the genocide of the ruling class and firebombing of our nation’s cities,” Karczewski said of Morgan Boggs, the Anarchy Party candidate. Boggs’s latest poll had him at 0.0000009% of the American population, pulling himself, his wife, and Gary Johnson’s own mother. Gunn’s latest speech hurt him badly in the polls of the nation’s hermits with his calls for “kicking all dogs, because anarchy means NO RULES!”
Karczewski was likewise displeased with the “Log Cabin” Republicans. “They were very, very different than I was hoping they would be. I was hoping they would help subsidize those of us who wanted to live in seclusion, among the wild animals.” Many people living the ancient “hunter-gatherer” lifestyle initially turned to the Log Cabin Republicans as a more mainstream party that they could use to their own advantage; but they quickly found out that the LCRs were simply a group of homosexual Republicans with non-extreme conservative values.
Sitting at his table adjacent to his instruments of torture, Karczewski talked about briefly about his personal initiative to kill all squirrels and how he wished a third or fourth party candidate would take up the issue. “I just want my friends at the ‘Kill All People Named Mike’ Party to adopt squirrel euthanasia as a pet issue.’ The “Kill All People Named Mike” Party, formed in the early 1990s by North Carolina Tar Heels fans in protest to Duke basketball head coach Mike Krzyzewski’s domination of the NCAA, has adopted a strict pro-squirrel policy, much to the lament of the nation’s hermits, 88% of whom advocate “drowning all the fluffy-tailed bastards.”
To finish off the interview, as this reporter realized he had a gun to his head, Karczewski shared his begrudging support for the “Microwaves Were Created by the Soviets to Drive Up the Price of Paper Towels Used to Clean Them” Party, fronted by John “Oven-Heated or Nothing” Samuels. “I mean, they do represent a key value of mine,” Karczewski said as he strapped a bomb to his chest and circled the Federal building on a map of Helena, “I hope that they can gain enough traction to actually win a few votes.”\