Dear OSU Students,
I am a Rent-A-Fence: gnarled, cold, abused, hated and self-loathing. I didn’t choose this life it chose me. Every day I have to hear taunts and insults. Every day I slip deeper into depression. This is not my fault. You should blame Dr. J and Alutto.
However, being a Rent-A-Fence is not my career goal. It is a simple means to an end. I’m just like every other student here. I’m just studying to build my resume. I’m just being forced to do a bunch of work assigned by self-righteous PhDs. I really want to be a squirrel zoo. All they would have to do is place a few tasty late fall acorns in me. Once the curious squirrels are enticed and slip over top of my gate to recover the tasty morsels, then, they could slap a few more sections of fence on top of me, enclosing the playful squirrels inside of me. I don’t want to be a dumb duck zoo. Afro duck and his harem deserve to be free, and I don’t want to interfere with my fellow students.
Think of all the happiness it would bring. The students seeing the squirrels frolicking, while safely and freely trapped inside of me. It would be a consolation for the repressive policy of no pets in the dorms. We could hire Jack Hannah to tend to the squirrels.
I would be the happiest of all. I would be full of life and excitement, the cute squirrels playing on my links. My depression would be cured. The insults would cease. I would be praised.
Additionally, the student activity fee and reduced expenses of treating students for rabies after squirrel bites would easily cover all the costs. Also, the new zoo would probably score Alutto his first cool picture with students, like the ones Gee told him about. He certainly won’t get any pictures if he represses us on our favorite night. So please come out and tear me down. Remember Muck Fichigan.
Go Bucks,
Mirror Lake Rent-A-Fence
-Jason Shillings, Contributor