Helloooooooooo readers! It has been a long summer, has it not? It sure has been for me. I have not had a chance to read your futures, for I have been too busy hunting down nethermancers, and making holes in Siberia as part of my plan. Anyway, I was reading some tea leaves, and suddenly they flew out of the cup, swirling around in the air and multiplying infinitely. They made letters in the sky, and those letters made words, and the words were terrible, awful words….and they contained your future. Without further ado, here are your fates:
Aquarius- Don’t worry, I’m sure someone will nominate you for the Ice Bucket Challenge! I mean, sure, you have had your ice bucket prepared for weeks, scanning social media for any signs of one of your “many” friends nominating you at the end of their video. Sure, your parents, siblings, and co-workers have already done it without so much as a mention of you in the video, but there’s still that one guy at the Kmart, right? Keep that bucket cold, Aquarius, the stars say you’ll get your chance!
Pisces- Congratulations! You have moved in to your new room and escaped your mother just in time for menopause!
Aries-Jupiter is looking suspiciously swirly right now, which means you may get stabbed in the back by someone you love. You better act preemptively, Aries. Hurt them before they can hurt you! Don’t repeat the mistakes of the past! THEY WILL HURT YOU! DON’T TRUST! DON’T LOVE!
Taurus-You’re looking good, Taurus! Did you do something with your face? I can tell. Anyway, what are your feelings on doilies? IT DOESN’T MATTER TAURUS, GET RID OF THEM. GET RID OF THEM ALL! Trust me, this is for your own good. For the love of whatever Creator you believe in, put that doily down!
Gemini- In an age where people are gunned down in the street, it’s important to be careful when you are out and about. If any of these factors apply to you, you may be at risk: if you live anywhere in the Midwest, if you are a young male, if you are a minority, if you are poor, if you are armed, if you are unarmed, if you walk down the street a little too boldly, if you try and hide when you are walking down the street, if you get too close to the tank, or if you resist arrest (i.e are still conscious).
Cancer- When life’s troubles threaten to overwhelm you, and everything seems like it’s going to fall apart, just remember this: you can’t fail if you don’t try in the first place. This message has been brought to you by Pluto, the most bitter and sardonic celestial body in the solar system.
Leo- Things are going to start looking up in your life! Many, many, scurrying little things on the ground looking up at you in mute supplication. What do they want, you ask? Oh nothing too big; they’re just a little hungry. One little piece of you is all they ask! Or two….
Virgo- No, Virgo, dumping a bucket of ice water on your head will NOT get you laid. While you’re at it, though, try nominating your Aquarius friend. He/she is really desperate right now.
Libra- You will receive an unexpected gift. Unless you read this. Then it will suddenly become an expected gift. Expect an unexpected gift, Libra. Actually, don’t expect it, so that it may retain its unexpected quality. You may or may not get nothing or something, depending on whether you read this and expected something that can no longer be unexpected….ah screw it, you’re getting the clap.
Scorpio- There are no more Scorpios since the Great Scorpio Culling of ‘013, so this space will be used for advertisement. Try Cane’s chicken. Because why not.
Sagittarius- Mercury is spinning really fast right now, so something big will happen in your career today! Something really big. In fact, it’s so big it will fill up your whole cubicle. It will fill up your cubicle before you have time to escape, and crush you underneath its writhing, inky black bulk. Choose your last, gasping words carefully.
Capricorn- Invest in doilies. Don’t ask me why, just do it. Trust me.
-Ben Fogle, Staff-Writer