Dear Children of the World,

This year, I will be making some changes in order to streamline the Christmas process and make it more efficient. I only work one day a year, and I am tired of that day being full of stress. These changes are effective immediately:

  • Email is far more efficient than handwritten letters. You all have terrible handwriting and most of the time, I’m completely guessing what you want anyway because I can’t read a word you’ve written. From now on, I will only accept wish lists in the form of PDFs.

  • On a personal note, please stop referring to me as “Santa Claus.” My name is Kris Kringle. My title is “The Santa Claus.” I don’t know where any of this “St. Nick” business came from, but I find it highly offensive.

  • Each house will receive only two Ho’s, in order to save time.

  • For the record, I am lactose intolerant. Therefore, I do not and will not consume any of the milk and cookies you leave out for me. Since it’s been your dads eating them all these years, from now on, I will just take one of your fathers’ beers after every few houses.

  • To save money on dry cleaning, I will enter through the back door. Please leave it unlocked or you will get nothing.

  • On second thought, I’m just going to wear jeans.

  • Naughty children will no longer get coal, as our planet is running too low on fossil fuels. All naughty children will now receive a copy of Spiderman 3 on Blu-Ray.

  • For some of you that live in harder to reach areas of the world (I’m looking at you, Australia), I’ll be sending your gifts by UPS. They should arrive within 3-5 business days.

  • I’m tired of waiting for everyone to go to sleep before I can show up. I can’t base my schedule around yours when I’ve got billions of deliveries to make. This is too much to ask of me. If I arrive at your home before you’re asleep, just look the other way.

I think you’ll find that all these changes make Christmas less of a pain for everyone. We don’t have to keep up the endless charade that Christmas is all about “magic” and “believing.” It’s a lot of damn hard work. With your help, this could be our best Christmas yet.

Sincerely,

Kris Kringle, The Santa Claus

-Ivy Decker, Senior Staff Member, and Matt Warner, Guest Writer