Do you not have bowls because you haven’t done dishes in a month? Are you terrified of spoons? Can you not have a regular, sit-down breakfast because your cat is psychotic and is trying to murder you? Cereal has been a staple of breakfast, dinner, and 3:00 a.m. stoner snacks since at least the 1980’s, but eating your favorite Choc-O’s and Frosted Fruity Stuff out of a bowl with a spoon is so your parents’ thing. Whether your favorite cereal is Cinnamon Crack Cakes or McFlahrty’s Marshmallow Morsels, we hope these alternate methods of eating cereal prove to be beneficial:

  1. Pour directly from box into mouth. (Note: Use of a funnel may prove beneficial.)
  2. Pour into bowl and use chop-sticks as a skewer. (Note: Obviously most effective with “O” shaped cereal.)
  3. Pour into bowl and eat like a dog.
  4. Pour into bowl and eat like a cat. (Note: The notable difference here being that this point only applies to name brand cereals. Cats refuse to eat cheap imitations.)
  5. Swallow whole. (Note: NOT recommended, but an effective method, nonetheless.)
  6. Bake into pie. Apple John’s brand cereals recommended.
  7. Feed to mother robin, who then pukes into your mouth. (Note: Robin only suggested species. Feel free to experiment with other birds.)
  8. Crush and snort, a-la cocaine.
  9. Crush, mix with milk, and shoot directly into blood stream via needle. (Note: DO NOT attempt with Commander Crackle cereal. Trust us.)
  10. Pour into bowl and absorb the live-essence of the cereal through your feet. (Note: This process seems to work best with chocolatey cereals. Not a recommended method for Catholics.)
  11. Use a spork. (Note: This point is included in this list as a mere technicality. It is possible to eat cereal with a spork, but don’t. Just don’t do it. You’re better than that.)
  12. Do whatever voodoo is done with Rice Chips to make them into Rice Chips Treats. Experiment with different types of cereal.
  13. Shovel out of box with your grubby hands and shove directly into your filthy mouth.

**Please feel free to write to us with any suggestions you may have on how else to consume cereals, though we’re pretty sure this is all of them.

-Matt Warner, Guest Writer