COLUMBUS, OH- During a press conference on Wednesday, President of Ohio State University Michael Drake declared the school’s official publication, The Lantern, to be “fake news.” President Drake’s comments are in direct response to an article posted online by the college journal, in which a student writer referred to President Drake’s decision to close off the Mexican food stations of the campus dining halls as “un-Ohioan.”
“The recent comments by the university tabloid are completely unfair,” said President Drake, adding that “Former President Gee before me never faced such harsh criticism from that rag, the mainstream student media is so biased!”
Shortly after the conference, President Drake threatened to cut all University funding for the paper. This has caused various student groups to react in protest against President Drake’s administrative actions.
“Everything Drake has done in the past month goes against the OSU Policies and Procedures Handbook,” said Rob Orsky, a first year pre-law student at Ohio State. “That’s why I’ll be voting for politically opposed student senators in the upcoming USG election, to keep all of the checks and balances in place at this school.”
President Drake quickly defended his threat to cut funding for The Lantern on Facebook by posting a status which said, “Students of our great University shouldn’t have to see their hard-loaned tuition money go towards paying their peers to write slander about me. Pathetic!”
It was only a short while before President Drake refocused his Facebook postings on more trivial matters, commenting on Barnes & Noble’s decision to cut his son’s line of “Make Michigan Lose Again” shirts with a short status update on Thursday night.
“The campus spirit store on High Street has treated my son very unfairly. No wonder China is selling more OSU merch than us!”