According to an exciting study released in the presidential fallout shelter this week, unemployment in the radioactive wasteland that was once the United States has fallen to a historic low. The study, the first in America’s history to get responses from 100% of the population, found that all but one surviving Americans are gainfully employed as presidential cabinet members of the U.S. government. The outlier in the population, a student reporter for the only newspaper whose readership actually increased after the disaster, is expected to be exiled from the vault later this week when this article is published. The news comes mere days after the fastest census in U.S. history, which took a grand total of five hours, two of which were spent searching for a pencil sharpener.
“Of course we’re very, extremely happy about this,” the president said in a statement. “Black unemployment is at its lowest rate since black people were invented, which is just terrific, Ben Carson is doing a great job.” When asked about the dramatically reduced female representation in the population compared to the previous census, the president seemed mostly unfazed. “Obviously the ratios are not great in here, I mean… just really not ideal. They aren’t even cute, you know? A bunch of 3’s, it’s a real shame. But Pence found a cattle prod somewhere, so he says gay stuff is right out.”
The cabinet heads themselves are reported to have generally favorable views of the new status quo. “Being the Secretary of the Interior is so much easier now that there’s a lot less interior,” said Ryan Zinke. “Not to mention all the public opinion polls are fantastic right now. Even the president’s approval rating is looking to climb above 50% in the next few weeks.”
Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross claims that the recent events have kept his department on its toes. “On the one hand, the futures market has become much easier to understand because we’ll all be dead of radiation poisoning or starvation inside of a decade. On the other hand, there’s an exciting new segment of the market that we’re calling ‘molten assets,’ those being items that no longer have a living owner but are losing value rapidly because they’re actively engulfed in flames.”
Not all of the news is good, though. Acting Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Andrew Wheeler notes that the nuclear holocaust has done real harm to his department’s plans. “The nuclear winter that has fallen over the United States is projected to kill every plant and animal larger than a rat by the end of this century, but before the nukes flew we were on track to do it in half that time with fracking and groundwater contamination. We’re scrambling to adjust our timetables now.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielson, meanwhile, is optimistic about the country’s future. “Illegal immigration, legal immigration, and immigration period has dropped to almost nothing. Aside from a few looters with lead-lined coats, nobody from outside of the U.S. has any chance of entering it and surviving as of this week. This administration has built a wall of radiation to protect ourselves from foreigners, and by all accounts it appears to be a roaring success. And other countries paid for it!” Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley, who took a break from operating her long-distance radio to chime in, was quick to agree. “Every country I’ve spoken to so far is very happy with the way things have worked out. Diplomatic relations haven’t been this good in years, and they’re set to get even better when our radio runs out of batteries and we’re no longer able to speak with the rest of the world.”
Time will tell whether the good news keeps coming in.
Written by George Thomas, Contributor