COLUMBUS—It’s that time of year again; the leaves begin to change colors and millions everywhere flock to their local Starbucks to enjoy their favorite seasonal cash grab—The Pumpkin Spice Latte. But this fall you may want to reconsider where you buy your overpriced coffee. The company has found that they must face a new evil besides capitalism: razor blades. Numerous customers have reported these sharp objects being found in their lattes, causing mass panic among teens everywhere.
“Pumpkin spice is the only spice I can handle” whined local teen Quortney Smith, who spends hundreds on the drink weekly, “what’s next the peppermint mocha? I don’t feel safe anymore.” Another customer said, “I didn’t really notice anything because the drink usually burns my tongue anyway.”A Starbucks representative stated that they are doing everything they can to find who is responsible for the attack. Some have speculated that Dunkin’ Donuts may be behind what many are calling Pumpkingate, as the company has yet to make a relevant pumpkin spice product. In a public address, the company’s CEO D. Duncan said, “I send my condolences to the victims of this heinous crime. I would also like to take this time to announce Dunkin’s new fall themed drink; the Pumpkin Spice Mocha.”
In response to Pumpkingate, many concerned customers have begun boycotting the company. A protest outside of Starbucks headquarters turned violent when someone threw a pumpkin into the crowd, injuring two. In Boston, many angry patrons purchased and dumped over 2,000 gallons of the latte into the Boston Harbor. Throughout all of this chaos, the company’s sales have actually risen 13% and it appears that Pumpkingate has only increased popularity for the drink. There has also been massive support for the company from “adventurous” groups, who are eager to try the new ingredient, as well as long-time dedicated customers who have poor taste. No matter what side of the counter you’re on, it has become evident that no controversy can impede the Starbucks mogul from dominating the coffee industry.
Written by Lily Triplett-Boyd, Contributor