If you’re like me, you likely worry constantly about the wellbeing of your child. If you’re also like me, you’ve likely noticed that your child is super ugly so if they’re gonna make it in the world, they better damn well be funny. With that in mind, here’s a guide on how to engrave quotes from everyone’s favorite vines into the very fiber of their being, regardless of their age. It will save your child effort in the long run, because they will never have to think of an original joke again.

 

0-2 Years

– Whenever your child has to be fed, be sure to give them food while screaming “HE NEEDS SOME MILK,” regardless of their actual gender. It is more important that they learn the proper quotes.

– Save money on decorations. Instead of buying your kid an expensive mobile you’ll just trash later when they’re old enough to curse your name for wasting money on an inferior crib side decoration, simply tie a potato to the ceiling fan, and sing softly about it when you need a lullaby. If they start screaming in panic, that only means they’re getting the reference. Plus, when they grow up, you get a potato to eat.

 

2-5 Years

– Convince your kids that beef is sweat. Sure, it may seem like you’re lying to them in a dangerous way that can only end in massive embarrassment, but this way, after a long day of playing outside, your children will be able to loudly proclaim to the world that they smell like beef.

-When the holiday season rolls around, be sure to wish your family a good Crimmas or a Merry Chrysler. That’s sure to go well with Grandma!

 

5-8 Years

– Are your children roughhousing? If so, don’t see it as a disciplinary issue, see it as an opportunity. Next time you catch your kids in a sibling bout, just shout “CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE?” Not only will your child learn valuable Vine quotes, but your complete negligence of the violent situation will teach them from an early age that nobody truly cares about them.

– If your kid ever brings a friend home from school (like that’s ever gonna happen), be sure to greet them very enthusiastically. Shouting “What the FUCK is up, Kyle? Step the FUCK up, Kyle,” should make them feel warm and welcome.

 

9+ Years

– Now is the time to convince your children to eat real adult food. In order to teach your child good taste, be sure to shout down any of their dinner suggestions with “FUCK YA CHICKEN STRIPS.” Some so-called “experts” will say that this “ruins your child’s self-esteem,” but what’s more important, an instant of lousy self-confidence that will be surely squashed in the 9th grade anyways, or a complete knowledge of the greatest comedy source out there?

– For fuck’s sake, move on. It’s 2018. Your child was born at the latest in 2009, and Vine came out in 2013. Your kid’s childhood is closer to Vine than your own. If they haven’t learned any references yet, forcing them to learn more will only destroy their autonomy.

– The only way your child will ever become an independent person is if you let your nostalgia go and allow your child to develop a sense of humor without your interference. Who knows, maybe that ends up being Vine references, in which case forget everything I said and go fuckin nuts.

– Face it, your kid doesn’t have to be down with Vine to hate themselves, they can do that on their own. This doesn’t mean you have to forget your favorite videos, but at least give your child a chance to learn new vague quips, rather than use Vine to relive your youth through them.

 

Hopefully this helps! Now get out there and get your whole family crackin some quips!

Written by Zach Levy, Contributor