Parents, don’t you hate when you’re having a wholesome movie night watching 1999 classic “American Pie” and it is suddenly interrupted by the sound of your son going to town on Grandma’s sweet cherry pie? You’re not alone. Here are five more movies you should avoid lest you face this disaster again.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007): in Sweeny Todd, an evil barber works with a baker to kill customers and bake them into meat pies. That’s right, meat pies. Avoid this movie unless you want your kid to put their meat in a pie.

Stand by Me (1986): if your kid is the kind of freak to fuck a pie, he’s probably into more weird stuff too. If you’re going to venture into this movie, be sure to cover your child’s eyes during the pie eating competition scene, because when Lardass Hogan projectile vomits everywhere all bets are off.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009): in the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs universe, the world is thrown into chaos when food items begin falling from the sky. What is among these foods? You guessed it: the devil’s pastry. When your young one sees those crispy crusts plummeting toward the Earth, you can bet your butt they’re going to immediately go to the kitchen and fuck  all your pies and contract some variant of an STD.

Kids, It’s Cool to Fuck Pies (1990s?): I must confess. This is my art film that I made in the blur otherwise known as the 90s. I don’t actually remember making it and I’ve never seen it, but by the chance that you get your hands on it DEFINITELY don’t show it to your child or they will steal it and show all of their friends. It will be your fault that all the neighborhood kids pop their cherry pies and get pregnant.

Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004): sure, there are no actual pies in this film. But at one point, Agent Cody Banks himself must, at one point, remove a mind-controlling microchip from a filling in his mouth with exploding Mentos. If your child is worth their weight in delicious apple filling, they will make the logical connection that EXPLOSIVE PIES could
also be used to remove a mind-controlling microchip. And once they start thinking about pies, they’re going to make up their mind to become a professional pastry chef so that they can fuck a pie every day for the rest of their lives. Where’s the job security in that?

Written by RG Barton, Editor-In-Chief