Parents, have you tried reading your kid’s texts only to find they’re full of weird words you’ve NEVER heard of? When you ask them about it, do they just say “Mom, that’s a real breach of privacy. I think we need to talk about the independence I’ve earned as a growing human being?” Then they’re probably talking about Fortnite, the most DANGEROUS thing to happen to children since Dungeons and Dragons. If you see any of these 5 words in your child’s messages, then WATCH OUT! They’re probably a “Fortniter,” as they call themselves, and you should assume the worst from them NO MATTER WHAT they say!

1. YEET = Your Emotes Eat Trash

In Fortnite, your child can spend YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY on dances to show off to their friends. Not only are these dances (or “emotes,” as I think the game called them) HIGHLY SEXUAL in nature, children with more expensive dances will BULLY other children who don’t have them! If your child has an allowance and they’re a Fortniter, it’s almost certainly being WASTED here.

 

2. WYD = Where You Droppin?

Every game of Fortnite starts with the players “dropping,” where they all get together on a bus and take a bunch of DRUGS! The game simulates this by showing the bus flying through the sky (a pun on getting “high”, OBVIOUSLY). Now, we would never do something so vile as actually play Fortnite long enough to understand it, so we can only assume that the “Where” in “WYD” refers to how they want to take the drugs. Can you smoke your drugs? Inject them? Stick them up your butt? It could be ANYTHING!

 

3. G2G = Got To Gank

Then, somehow, things get worse! In Fortnite, players in their drug-induced haze will actually try to KILL each other! You probably don’t know what “gank” means, and I don’t really either, but we’ve only heard people say it when they’ve SHOT someone! Our kids see enough killing as it is on their Netflixes, and adding VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES on top of that will lead to depravity!

 

4. LOL = Lots Of Loot 

Once people die in Fortnite, other players will (we think) run up to their corpses and perform SATANIC RITUALS with them! These rituals turn them into “loot,” which they then use to MURDER MORE PEOPLE! Who knows what sorts of vile things go on in that ritual? YOUR CHILD, that’s who! Their entire worldview is forever tainted, and God WILL NOT FORGET what your child has seen and done.

 

5. WTF = Watch This Fort

Given that game is called Fortnite, it’s a safe assumption that there are forts in the game, and that they’re probably full of GUNS, RAP MUSIC, CONTRACEPTIVES, and other TERRIBLE things. When your child says “WTF,” they’re telling their friends to guard the fort while they stay inside and SIN AGAINST THE LORD! Then, the next game, they’ll be guarding the fort and enabling their friends! If they really loved you, they would never play a game that allowed such filth.

 

If your child says ANY of these phrases, you’ve probably FAILED as a parent. But it’s not too late – be sure to buy next month’s issue to find out EXACTLY what you can do to save your child from the evil grasp of Fortnite!

Written by Ryan Wires, Vice President