Love season is here, and you know what that means. It’s time for Brandon and Hayleigh to accidentally bring a lot more meaning to the date November 14th 2019 than they had ever intended. The culture of the heterosexual bedroom is a location that is laden with mystery among most civilized common people. It can bring up a variety of question such as “How do straight people even have sex?”, “Should penis-vagina penetration be taught in sex ed in order to indoctrinate our children?”, and “How can hetero sex literally create a human person? Oh my god, that’s fucking insane!” Although the tawdry and perverse nature of this lifestyle are complex and sticky issues, we can derive some conclusions about this curious subculture by analyzing the choices of songs they choose to do the nasty to.
TW: Questionable choices
4. Hey Soul Sister
This 2009 tune of upright platonic nature is our first offender. This song is so jam-packed full of 80s references you’re surprised they didn’t just listen to “Back To The 80s” by Aqua like a normal person. Calling your lover “sister” does seem like something straight people would do, as that kind of relations is common in their community.
3. Mr. Brightside
This song is more commonly known by its colloquial name, “the white person’s national anthem.” With its vivid descriptions of the complaints of becoming the victim of cuckoldry, it’s an absolute mystery why people in allegedly healthy monogamous relationships cum at the final chorus. And by people, I mean the man.
2. Hey There Delilah
This tune is an especially hateful offender because it outright appropriates the lesbian cultural norm of staying in a long distance relationship for way too fucking long. Straight people should not get do missionary to the anthem of teenage lesbian couples who met on Tumblr, have been together for 3 years, and have not and will never meet in real life. Can’t we have just one thing, straight people? Do you have to keep making everything we love hetero?
1. Viva La Vida
I am shocked and appalled that society has stooped so low as to allow this to happen. The song “Viva La Vida” belongs in one place and one place only: a high school show choir audition. This tune of longing for monarchical authority could only possibly symbolically parallel one specific sex act: receiving and not giving the suck. Overall, this is vile, repulsive, and not at all what God would’ve wanted when she wrote Half Breed.
Written by Emmy Pratt, Staff Writer