by Tobias “Baby Buck” Cline
When I came home from junior high on a frigid fall day in 1977, I never expected that the new boyfriend my mom wanted to introduce to me would be the 1975 iteration of Brutus Buckeye. Now, this is not the Brutus you know today, with his fun disposition and utter disregard for the grave lifelong effects of self-inflicted head injuries. Rather, he is the animated turtle sloshed in feces look-alike that haunts the nightmares of Buckeye fans everywhere.
As a shy impressionable young lad, I was a bit wary of his swarthy incomprehensible visage at first. However, I decided to be optimistic about my new daddy, for what is a father figure if he doesn’t have a chiseled, perpetual grimace?
In the wink of a Buckeye, my mother became Mrs. 1975 Brutus, something that I was quite content with. My male role models before Brutus were less than stellar. Sure, 1975 Brutus played golf all day, beat his wife, and definitely morphed into a raisin from time to time, but my real dad could only morph into a dead alcoholic, so it was clear who the real role model here was.
Because of his untimely dismissal as the symbol of the Buckeye Nation, our time together often consisted of him ranting about the changing tides of Ohio State.“ Those pinkos don’t know a real nutty boy when they see one.” He would often ramble. “This new Brutus with his homosexual skincare routine and lack of a not only double, but also a cleft chin makes the rest of us Buckeyes look like soft pathetic fairies.”
Although he is sort of outside of the box when it comes to a daddy, I love him. He gave me everything I have, from my Buckeye spirit to my persisting winking tick, to my toxic masculinity. 1975 Brutus is still with us today. In fact, I received a phone call from him a couple weeks ago. He yelled at me in a panic, “PURDUE CAN SUCK MY NUTS. AND BY THAT I MEAN MY HEAD. BUT LIKE METAPHORICALLY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN SON.” Despite all of our quirks, I’m proud to say that my stepdad is the 1975 Brutus Buckeye.
Written by Emmy Pratt, Staff Writer