Technological advancement exposes titties

In the year 1969, celebrated astronaut and beloved Ohioan Neil Armstrong emerged from Apollo 11 and took his first steps on the surface of the moon. It was at that moment when Armstrong uttered the words of what would become one of the most recognizable quotations in American history. He profoundly declared, “One small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.” Or did he?

The word “a” was inaudible to the human ear and was not present in the recording of Armstrong’s transmission, but within interviews conducted upon his return, Armstrong claimed that “a” was indeed included in his statement. Many Americans naively chose to trust Armstrong without question. They believed that it “wasn’t a big deal” what exactly he said on the moon. One group of people knew better, however, than to arbitrarily fill in the blank with a convenient article such as “a.” This small, but formidable, sect of doubters has been working around the clock for almost 50 years to finally uncover the truth.

Researchers for the group For [?] Man unveiled a groundbreaking system of sound wave analysis capable of retrieving the originally imperceptible waves and bringing them into a range sufficient for human comprehension. In a public demonstration of this self-proclaimed “very accurate” technology at the NASA headquarters in Washington D.C., it was confirmed that Armstrong did not say “a,” but in fact remarked “titties.”

Roger Johnston, a founding member of For [?] Man, triumphantly told The Sundial, “Even as a small child, I was taught that Neil Armstrong said ‘a,’ all because it ‘made grammatical sense,’ but I wasn’t convinced. They tried to manipulate us, but I wasn’t about to let them make [a] fool out of me. Some people say I wasted my life, but now, I’m having the last laugh. When I heard ‘titties,’ I knew my work had finally paid off.”

In the midst of this new information, one must wonder why Armstrong chose his words as he did, and most importantly, why he lied about them after the fact. Is it possible that, mid sentence, he caught a glimpse of a rare reverse crater? Or could he have seen something else out there, a busty alien life form, perhaps? Unfortunately, no one knows the true motive of “titties” save Armstrong himself. The Sundial attempted to obtain a comment from Armstrong but found that he died in 2012.

According to For [?] Man, which dissolved as a group following the NASA exhibition, the total cost of their work came to approximately 9.4 million dollars. “Totally worth it,” says Johnston.

Thanks to For [?] Man and its supporters, after almost half a century, it can finally be said with complete certainty that the first words spoken on the moon were as follows: “One small step for titties, man, one giant leap for mankind.” Put that in the textbooks, America.

Written by Sarah Palazzo, Staff Writer