Of the developments that have come out of negotiations over the government shutdown that has extended more than four weeks, an effective solution is not one of them. Conversely, an idea instead came into President Trump’s head during one of his obscured conversations with Russian president Vladimir Putin.
“I just came up with a great idea – I talked with Vlad, great guy – for a new thing, a new weapon,” Trump said at a surprise press conference yesterday. “I’m proud to announce a new advancement: “sharp air.” You probably don’t know about it, nobody knows more about it than me. Thank you, Putin, very cool!” (US intelligence reported Putin to be looking very smug at the time of this press conference).
Emotion was dull among the reporters, until muddled confusion settled in when further questions revealed that Trump’s new “advancement” involved the military utilization of what he called “sharp air.” Pentagon officials seemed just as befuddled when asked for comment and/or explanation later on.
“‘Sharp air’ is the careful and measured result of… moments of deliberation and planning, I guess, on Trump’s end?” read the transcript of one Pentagon official’s interview. “Man, I don’t know, it’s like every other day he pulls some kind of shit. First Space Force and now… this?
“What’s sharp air do? Oh, well, according to what we could piece together, the President’s convinced that air can be sharp for some reason. That’s pretty much all there is to it but he’s blowing more hot air about it than usual. If you want more info, I guess you could talk to Alex like Trump referred us to.”
Alex Jones, host of Infowars, apparently happy to be acknowledged (at all), was seen vibrating with excitement and spouting nonsense. “They’re putting chemtrails in the water,” he yawped. “T-they… they’re turning frogs into drones! Then the government breaks down the drones and clones frogs with them! And so the cycle begins anew!”
“This’ll be revolutionary,” Trump said. “You know that word? It means “of or pertaining to a revolution.” I saw it in a dictionary. Who knows what that means. Good word, best word.” Putin, surprisingly open about his role in the matter, easily admitted to be messing with Trump about sharp air.
“I’m constantly surprised by how easy it is to dupe him into things like this,” Putin said. “It’s almost sad, really. You’d think someone would be smarter, or less careless, about getting blackmailed into being the figurehead of a puppet state.”
He shrugged nonchalantly, in the way only a Russian who has ridden a bear shirtless could do. “Oh, well, I guess the probable belief that stealth planes can turn invisible really does say something about a person.”
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer