Howdy, Astrologer Dave here! As we transition from Pisces to Aries season last March, remember that consistently crying three times a day is completely normal, no matter what your therapist says. Hope you like what the stars have to say in this week’s specially themed Whore-oscopes!
Aries: With Mars in transit this week, all your pent up rage is gonna make you really good in bed. Unfortunately, no one’s gonna be into it.
Taurus: As Mercury moves into retrograde, it is likely that your browser history isn’t as private as you think. Cover up that webcam you cunt.
Gemini: Foot fetishes are something most people actively avoid but you will soon find them practically irresistible thanks to the moon’s movement into Aquarius.
Cancer: It might be a good time to ask yourself: “Is real love an attainable goal for me?” (spoiler alert: it’s not, just go watch some porn)
Leo: The girl you like? She wants to hear your acoustic cover of SexyBack. Go on, play it for her.
Virgo: You’ll lose more than your virginity this week! Keep a close eye on that wallet of yours 😉
Libra: If you lather your entire body in butter, you’ll lose a lot of friends but make a lot of money on adult webcam sites, and I predict a cash windfall in your future.
Scorpio: You will be feeling promiscuous this week but under no circumstances should you listen to Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado (ft. Timbaland). Just don’t do it.
Sagittarius: The unprotected sex you’ve been having lately will catch up to you in the form of an anthropomorphic condom in your night terrors and a fun surprise in 9 months.
Capricorn: If you are thinking about consummating your relationship this week, maybe don’t. I don’t know. You probably don’t believe in astrology anyway.
Aquarius: Go out to the bars this week! Put yourself out there! Try using the line “your hair would look so good in my shower drain.” Chicks dig that.
Pisces: Hooking up with strangers can be fun, but watch out for a beautiful woman with an ample bosom and a gorgeous smile. She’ll take your heart and your kids in the divorce settlement because you “haven’t satisfied her in 10 years” and “wouldn’t stop quoting the Gettysburg Address in bed.” Karen if you’re reading this please come back. I’ve changed. I’m into astrology now. Isn’t that what women want?
Written by Sue Veneers, Staff Writer