The Orphan Industry is in peril, and the root cause is undeniably millennials. Over the past 20 years, there’s been a drastic drop in Orphanage popularity, and the only group to blame is this massive and fertile generation of the new Millenium.
“Millennials just don’t bring their babies around to the Orphanage anymore. They find it dour, antiquated, and inhumane,” claims Agatha Beddows, the headmistress of Franklin County Home for Girls, clutching a Bible to her breast.
Today, Franklin County Home for Girls sits nearly empty, the dreary humble rooms being filled with merely the daughters of Gen-Xers who will, unfortunately, be the last generation of youngsters traumatized by Madame Beddows threatening to bring out “The Punishment Paddle.”
Millennials appear to be attracted to less Victorian methods of avoiding parenthood, such as using protection, abortion, and not having sex at a statistically notable rate. This “fast-casual” method of reproduction is absolutely wrecking business owners like Beddows, who believes that loving the Lord and respecting authority is the key for girls to be submissive successful wives on the outside.
“Before those 20-40-year-olds became such an influential group, Orphanages biggest competition was the sooty yet mildly profitable solution of sending your child to work for 16 hours a day in a factory. How I long for the days where the textile industry was my sole damned enemy,” cries Agatha, staring out a window, longing for a time unlike now.
Although the claim that Millenials are killing any industry may be admittingly hacky, it will be sad to watch the beloved industry of Orphanages quietly fade away into the peripherals of our memory. If you would like to aid in keeping this beloved American institution alive, feel free to drop off your infant, swaddled and alone, to:
Franklin County Home For Girls
1490 East Main Street
Columbus, OH 43205
Written by Emmy Pratt, Staff Writer