To the Man That Used the Stall Before Me:
Please let this letter serve as an official warning for your behavior. Never before have I been so utterly shocked at the manner in which a toilet has been used. Generally, I appreciate the warmth of the toilet seat post-use. It allows my glutes to relax and brings peace to me when nature calls. But this – what you have done today – is an abomination to all who use toilets.
When I sit down to take care of business, I don’t ask for a lot. A good go means there will be a full two rolls of bath tissue, the latest issue of Better Homes & Gardens, and an evenly heated toilet seat. Now, only one of those things was met and lucky for you, it’s because I just so happened to purchase the latest edition and stow it in my fanny-pack before I left for Olive Garden (classy establishments rarely stock high-end magazines in the stalls). As for the toilet paper, lucky for you I’ve had some bowel blockage as of late, so I was able to make do with the one roll without being too messy. What I was NOT able to get over was the toilet seat! How is it even possible that only one half of the seat was warm! Is nothing sacred? Why does one feel the need to change a tried and true method of using the toilet?
I must ask, was there shit on the walls? Did you simply hang your right buttock over the edge while allowing your left to rest, and release your bowels on the ground beneath you? What are you, you uncivilized sock monkey! Never again do I want to take a seat and experience such crimes against humanity! I believe it was the late great Albert Einstein who once said, “A life lived with two toasty cheeks is the only life worthwhile.” Because of you, my life appears to be meaningless. As pointless as the pet rock which you so joyfully greet each day that you return to your hovel.
Take this note and pin it to your wall. Make copies and hang it from your rear-view mirror. Staple it to your ceiling so when you awake from your slumber, it is the first thing you see. Should you sleep on your side, glue it to the pillow you hold in place of a lover, caressing it as you would her TWO WARM buns. After all, who would love a beast such as yourself? Do not bother trying to respond. By the time you learn the alphabet, I will have erased you from my mind. I do not have time to waste on animals. Good day sir.
To the Man Who Left Me the Note:
Hello sir,
I’m sorry my actions caused you such distress. I have experienced much difficulty adjusting to life in the states ever since I returned from Iraq. My canine partner Hero did his best to push me away from the IED, but the blast still managed to take my leg all the way from the hip. I was eating dinner with my wife and children at Olive Garden before going to my medal ceremony.
You and the American people deserve better from me. I failed you in my duty to protect your basic rights, and for this I am sorry. All I ask is that you might forgive me.
Written by Jack Polivka, Contributor