Content Warning: Brief description of sexual assault of a minor
You have always fostered a disdain for your coworker Buzz Brownfield, whether it be for his pretentious attitude, his less than optimal odor, or his clearly homemade undercut. However, this opinion has not always been a popular one, as you’ve observed that friends and acquaintances of yours have always wrongly regarded Buzz as a fun friend to gossip with, a talented Marketing and Communications Director, and just generally pleasing to be around. But you’re in luck, because this past weekend, Buzz was accused of sexual assault!
Finally you can openly hate him!
“I’ve never felt comfortable with sharing my contempt for Buzz before, but now that he tried to have sex with a teenager in a poolside shed, I’m finally free to express the hatred for him that has been seething for 5 years!” you happily exclaimed to yourself once the news broke in an awfully tense company-wide Group-Me message.
Alec from Sales broke the silence with the take that “I never thought that Buzz would do something so horrible”. You promptly responded with “Ya, I always got some weird vibes from him, I’m honestly not that surprised”, while simultaneously reveling in the glory of having never gone out for Happy Hour with him and your idiot coworkers who could never possess the foresight you were rightfully blessed with.
The office was extremely on-edge following this accusation. Buzz was immediately fired and a series of mandatory HR presentations regarding the importance of consent in and out of the workplace took place. Many people had questions with seemingly no answers, such as “How could this have possibly happened?” Other questions were more pointed, including “We’ve got no shortage of college-aged female interns here. How do we intend on keeping them safe?” And of course the most pertinent comment of all being “Buzz Brownfield is forever gone from this establishment and I couldn’t be more pleased! I didn’t like him from the moment I laid my eyes on him and I cannot wait to never see him again! One of my least favorite things about Buzz was that his chest had some very unattractive razor burn on it that often kept me from getting my work done with just how putrid it was. I also didn’t like that Buzz had more friends than me, and now thanks to his permanent absence, my workplace social status can increase at least one rank and my opinions and feelings can finally be seen as the absolute definitive facts they have always been!!!” Your coworkers were taken aback by the bravery it took you to disclose that deeply personal message.
In the days following the accusation, as all of the discourse about it eventually started calming down, all you could do was thank God that the Police were called to the scene immediately, catching him in the act, because if this 16 year-old had accused him by word alone, you would have never been able to bask in this absolute bliss.
Written by Emmy Pratt, Co-President