Seeking to satiate an impatient public hungry for final caucus results, the Iowa Democratic Party made a ritual offering to the ancient and unknowable evil lurking below their fields and pastures. Panicked Democratic state officials clad in black cloaks were heard chanting in Latin while dumping mixtures of lamb’s blood and rosemary into an abandoned fracking well. “Once the vote-counting app failed we knew our last option was appealing to the Eldritch Beast That Listens Below,” said one party official, speaking anonymously for their safety.
Iowa has held a coveted place of national political prominence since hosting their first presidential caucus in 1972. “Aye, there were celebrations when we first found the idea for a caucus deep in the abandoned mine,” said local hermit and madwoman Logha Ruttner. “T’weren’t long after till we realized we awoke some ancient wickedness that day and we been payin’ the price er’ since.”
Worries rose that the unspeakable evil had been released when a haggard man was seen shouting gibberish and grabbing local townspeople. However, this was ruled a false alarm after photos confirmed it was merely a campaign event featuring Joe Biden. At press time, sources report a blood-red sky and the smell of acrid seawater rising from underground, accompanied by a deep thunderous voice repeating “Mayor Pete”.
Written by Ian Gray, Staff Writer