Thousands of Americans are facing the grim prospect of unemployment as the Tik-Tokking, avocado-toasting, and rent-starved Millennials take down yet another great pillar of American industry: bullying.
“The act of bullying someone requires your victim to have some semblance of self-confidence,” explained one of the bullying business’ falling titans, Brendan Peterson, as he knocked back the last few sips of a Bud Light and tossed the empty can into an ever-growing pile of aluminum husks in the corner of his living room.
“But a lot of the people these days are bullying themselves. They have no confidence, and that’s the source of everyone’s problems. Just last week, I went up to somebody and said ‘Your eyebrows look stupid’, and she just said ‘wig.’ What is anyone supposed to do with that?”
This trend isn’t just some fluke noticed by some of America’s prime bullies. Psychological Research at the University of Columbia has shown a sharp decline in America’s self-confidence. “Kids these days, they hate themselves too much” Dr. Derek Sydlowski claims after the conclusion of an extensive study. “They say things like ‘I’ll kill myself’ and ‘I’m the worst’ for a cheap chuckle, and it really just does the bully’s job for them. Not only is mental health sure to suffer from that kind of behavior, so is the economy.” The only solution is clear: Americans have to be kinder to themselves in order to save one of our nation’s greatest pastimes: bullying the fucking nerds.
Written by Zach Levy, Treasurer