Have you ever been through a situation, where due to your sub-optimal judgment, you got yelled at for pissing all over the toilet seat? Have you ever wondered how those alpha males piss in an unbelievable 5 seconds? Have you ever been in a sticky situation at the urinal and the old man pissing next to you is so annoying that you want to finish your act ASAP?
No need to be worried anymore! The Sundial brings you a mathematically proven 3-step procedure to debunk the “perfect piss” illusion so that you can be the next ‘PISS KING’.
Step 1: Calculate the maximum initial velocity at which you can let that liquid gold out (Equation 1)
This is not as easy as it sounds. Research has shown that the maximum escape velocity for an average human is limited to 2m/s for a piss completion time of 1 second. Not so fast, your piss-scape velocity has also been found to be related to the length of your pee-pee through equation 1:
(1)
Where,
l=penis length (assuming fully erect) (in inches)
u=launch speed of your piss (m/s)
tf=your target pissing completion time (seconds)
Pfart=Probability of letting out a loud one (an action leads to an equal and opposite reaction)
Now before you get all pumped up about your size, here is a length shattering revelation (equation 2)
l = 6 (1 − (0.05 V ar1 + 0.1 V ar2 − 0.5 V ar3 + 0.5 V ar4)) (2)
The variables used in equation 2 are explained as follows:
• If you drive a pickup truck, V ar1 = 1 , otherwise V ar1 = 0
• If your pickup truck is lifted, V ar2 = 1 , otherwise V ar2 = 0
• If you are a regular reader of The Sundial, V ar3 = 1 , otherwise V ar3 = 0
• If you read The Onion, V ar4 = 1 , otherwise V ar4 = 0
With initial calculations sorted out and your pride hurt, except in case you are a Sundial-patron, we can move forward to the serious stuff. Pissing is a natural fluid motion that happens in two mutually perpendicular directions, making it slightly harder to position yourself due to the multiple possible outcomes (figure 1).
Step 2: Vertical Motion (equations 3a, 3b, 3c): Mess it up and you piss on your face! Applying the equations (*), (**) and (***) for our case:
In equations 3a, 3b and 3c, the following statements hold true:
- Initial vertical velocity = uy = u sin α
- Vertical acceleration = ay = – g = acceleration due to gravity
- Vertical displacement = sy = 0 (because what goes up must come down)
Step 3: Horizontal Motion (equations 4a, 4b, 4c): This is slightly more complicated. Mess it up and you will never reach the watering hole!
The acceleration equation (4c) above shows that the magnitude your pissing force reduces exponentially as time passes because your bladder is emptying, thus reducing the fluid pressure that it can exert on your body. Hence, the major advantage of possessing a strong fire hose is in the initial stages of excretion.
Side notes about equation 4b:
- Since, ux=u cos α= Initial velocity in horizontal direction, the following equation must hold true. This again justifies that you need a longer pee-pee to sustain a higher launch velocity and to complete your task in the quickest way possible:
2. Also, vx(tf)=0 because in the end your bladder is empty. Hence,
Figure 2: Characteristic Pissing curves for a 6-inch wiener (minimum possible for The Sundial patrons)
Sample Problems that you can solve with the mathematical machinery presented above:
- How to launch perfectly to reach the farthest distance (for the bragging rights)?
- How much should your distance from the urinal with respect to time change considering the acceleration of your piss, in order to never miss the target?
- Optimize the launch velocity and positioning angle for minimum pissing time while standing the furthest from the urinal in order to avoid that professor in whose class you passed multiple loud farts and who occasionally happens to be your neighbor (pissing-buddy).
Written by Yuvraj Singh, Staff Writer