YOUR NEIGHBOR’S LAWN, OH—The worm community’s two youngest lovebirds, Wally and Wendy, tragically split after Wendy underwent a mysterious transformation. “We had been going six months strong,” Wally told us days after the split, “and then one day she comes over to watch A Bug’s Life, and she almost destroyed my house trying to get in!” Wally went on to describe her human form as “terrifying, grotesque, and with waaaay too many arms for my liking. It breaks my heart because we used to have such a good time burrowing through the ground and lying on driveways during rainy days. But now that she’s a person we’re supposed to talk about things? How am I supposed to talk when I don’t even have teeth?” Wally eventually ended the relationship, which has been hard on both of them. Wally has been coping by listening to “Someworm Like You” by Adele.
About a week afterward, we were able to find Wendy in her human form, picking at the dirt with a small shovel. “I’m actually really glad somebody reached out to me, the past few days have been really hard,” she told us without looking up from the ground. “Everything’s all different now. I’ve been trying to learn to dig again, but it’s really slow and every time I unearth a worm for a split second I think it’s him and—” she stood in silence, eventually letting out a tense sigh. “I guess that’s all in the past now. I’ve been given this new life, and my only option is to live it.” She stuck the shovel in the ground, looking away as if she didn’t intend on picking it up again. “And it’s not so bad. At least I don’t have to worry about getting eaten by birds.”
Wendy currently lives with some friends she met recently, who have been teaching her human skills like reading, cooking, and not cowering in fear when seeing people fishing.
The specific causes of Wendy’s transformation are currently unknown. If you have any information related to worm to person or person to worm transformations, we encourage you to call (555)-786-3425.
Written by Zach Levy, Vice President