BRATTLEBORO, VT—Richard Mittens, last seen sleeping peacefully in his cute little cat bed, reportedly feels no guilt about the corruption crimes with which federal prosecutors will soon charge him. Said Mittens, “Zzzz…” in response to questions about how his owners reacted to the news about his long-running embezzlement fraud.
So mentioned one of the prosecutors: “D’awww look at him, such a fuzzy wuzzy little fella.” Mittens’s owners stated it was hard to believe he ran a bribery ring to pilfer charity funds going toward children’s school lunches. He reportedly did this in order to build personal salmon farms on his family’s property.
“You look at that orange fuzzball dreaming over there, kicking his leg in his sleep—eeee, who’s a good little boy. Where was I—oh yeah! You find it hard to imagine he intimidated civil servants to resign and allow him to appoint political cronies. Aww, who’s my little sociopath,” said Debrah Debson, Mittens’s mother, too busy cooing over him to mind his schemes of grand corruption. Debson continued: “Well, I guess that’s what I get for naming him Richard ‘Nixon’ Mittens. You give a dude (cat) one too many cat treats on an already wild July 4th…”
The start to Mittens’s career began innocently enough. In the same vein as a dog being “elected” mayor, Mittens was given a ceremonial role as a city council member. Comfortable without responsibility, Mittens was indifferent to his position until its semblance of power instilled within him a sense of greed. Sundial journalists managed to uncover the extent of his corruption by investigating rumors of payroll changes and pressured resignations and firings in the local nonprofit scene.
Mittens’s father, Dubois Debson, has been trying to negotiate with prosecutors to lighten the cat’s expected sentence of 6 years in federal prison. His proposal is instead two hours in the custom “time-out corner” in her home, where Mittens’s free space would be limited, but he would not be without comforting words and pats. Said Dubois, “He’s just a little guy doing his funny little crimes, he doesn’t deserve this. I think he’s learned his lesson. The “Nixon” thing, though, not my fault, could not have predicted this at all.” Mittens is due for a court appearance early next week.
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer