Seriously, what’s with this?
Whenever I wake up, I’d just see my parent’s tired faces, a disappointing bowl of cereal, and like 3 grapes as I got ready to get on the bus and spend the rest of my day at Tom W. Davis Elementary School with the rest of my fellow 1st graders. I feel like doody every morning, but at least it’s a consistent type of doody.
So why the freak is it that when I woke up a week ago, my room was filled with these plastic eggs? What’s even weirder, when I broke one of them there was chocolate inside! Do you really expect me to believe my house became a farm for chocolate chickens? Somebody placed these eggs, and nobody just does something nice for free. This was a threat from somebody, and I had to find out who.
You don’t just become the fastest kid in the whole first grade without making a few enemies, so I had no shortage of suspects. There was Jamie, who was the fastest kid until a few days ago, when I kicked his butt in a race. There was also Gerardo, who used to bully me until I claimed my title as leader of everything. But Jamie can’t get into my house, and Gerardo worships the ground I walk on now, so it couldn’t be either of them. That left only one suspect: Sam Blevins. We used to be best buddies, Sam and I. Like two peas in a pod. but when I decided to try and be faster than Jamie, he refused to help. He called me “obsessive”. It was the worst betrayal I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot in my six years of living on this crummy earth. As long as I’m breathing, I’ll have hatred for Sam and what he did. So I put a note in his mailbox that said “I know it was you. Meet me at the park for a beatdown”, and made my way to the playground, ready to kick his butt.
But that’s when it got weirder. Do you want to know what I saw when I got to the playground? Jamie, Gerardo, Sam Blevins, and like a hundred other kids were already there! Not only that, but the ground was littered with a thousand bajillion eggs! Sam Blevins is a smart kid, but even he couldn’t pull off a stunt like this. Not only that, but when he came up to me, he pretended he didn’t even see the note I gave him. Instead he just said “Oh hey, you made it! Come on, let’s grab some eggs! Whoever picks up the least eggs is, well, a rotten egg!”
The nerve.
He wasn’t going to give me any answers, so I asked my new best friend, Gerardo, what happened. But he was useless. Apparently, some big old bunny set them out. As if anyone would be expected to believe that.
My options were running slim, so I asked the most useless person I ever could: Jamie. To my surprise, he had an interesting insight, saying that he didn’t know but suspected a bunch of parents did it. It’s certainly the best theory I’ve heard all day, but it just raises more questions. Why would the parents all decide to collectively leave these ominous eggs? To all of us, no less?
Only one answer made sense: They were trying to poison all of us with the chocolates in the eggs. It felt nice to finally reach an answer that made sense, and it was up to me to make things right. Unfortunately, I was surrounded by parents. Exposing their little plan in public would probably get me in trouble faster than crossing the street without looking both ways first. Maybe I couldn’t get justice yet, but I could do my best to nobly save as many kids as I could. To do that, I’d have to get my hands on every egg I could. So I got to work.
Fortunately, since I was officially faster than any other first grader, I was able to reach the remaining eggs faster than anybody else. Within seconds, I had a basket overflowing with eggs. A few times I had a run-in with Sam Blevins as we both reached for a little poison shell on the ground. Once he looked at my pile and said “Wow, you’re really good at reaching these eggs. I thought you were on the other side of the playground! All that practice running must have paid off!”
I gave him a few of my eggs.
Once all the eggs were gone, one of the parents pulled me aside. My heart froze with fear. I had been found out. Either they were more shrewd than I anticipated, or Jamie snitched. That rat. But to my relief, they brought me before all the other kids. This setting was much too public for an execution, unless I had severely underestimated how brutal parents could be. They gave some pointless cover-up speech about how I was such a special boy for grabbing the most eggs out of anybody. I tuned it out. But then they presented me with some sort of prize. A bunny, just like Gerardo mentioned. But this was no ordinary rabbit. It was made of chocolate, and unless I was mistaken -which I never am- it was the same poison-infused chocolate that was in every single egg.
I had spent the whole day trying to keep my cool, but this might have been the last straw. I had been dodging poison all day. I had unraveled a conspiracy greater than anything a human mind could have imagined. I even had to work with some of my worst enemies, and Gerardo. I would not take a threatening gesture like this facing down. I had to do something.
So I’m grounded now. Apparently slamming a chocolate bunny into the ground and screaming loudly about the impending deaths of dozens of children while chocolate shrapnel scattered all around the playground is called “making a scene” and “ruining Easter”. I’ve been sentenced to another week without iPad time, and I can’t even see Sam Blevins. If nothing else, it’s good that my parents are out of touch, because that second part is kind of a reward. But without my iPad, I can’t dig further into this conspiracy. What poison did they plan on using, and why did they use eggs to deliver them? Most importantly, where did all those brightly colored eggs really come from?
–By Zach Levy, President