Earlier this month, Ohio State biologists announced a new initiative aiming to resurrect Afroduck, the iconic white-crested domestic duck who was spotted frequently on Mirror Lake until his death in 2015. The legendary bird’s corpse was collected and taxidermied by Ohio State’s Museum of Biological Diversity.
“I want to make it clear that we aren’t attempting to clone Afroduck,” says Professor Meg Daly, the museum’s Director. “Cloning implies employing a scientific process, which is something we don’t really believe in. Our plan is to perform a variety of satanic rituals to bring Afroduck back from the dead.”
The first of these rituals, Professor Daly explains, will take place on Halloween night. “At midnight Afroduck’s body will be returned to Mirror Lake to bask in the moonlight, and we’ll stand in a circle while reciting passages from the Necronomicon. We’ll also bring a few sacrificial offerings: a bucket of fresh blood, the still-beating heart of a virgin (one of our freshmen has already volunteered theirs), a jar of frog spleens, that sort of thing. If all goes well Afroduck should be alive and waddling by 2 am and we can all go trick-or-treating afterward.”
Should the first attempt to resurrect the university icon fail, Professor Daly already has a backup plan in place. “In my field of research we are deeply influenced by the 19th century scientist Victor Frankenstein, who reanimated a corpse by sewing together limbs and organs from different bodies. It would certainly be a Nobel Prize-worthy accomplishment if we manage to create a Frankenduck. If we go this route, we might replace Afroduck’s body with that of an eagle or a penguin – I think he would appreciate that.”
Professor Daly also shared her plans for the future of the initiative. “If our endeavor succeeds, then we’ll expand our program to resurrect other animals – including pets! Gone are the days of having to flush your goldfish or German Shepherd down the toilet – all you’ll have to do to see your beloved pet again is perform a simple satanic ritual, in which you may or may not have to sell your soul. But as exciting as this prospect is, the first thing we’ll do if this works is get on the phone with the Cincinnati Zoo and arrange a time to bring back Harambe.”
The Museum of Biological Diversity invites every Ohio State student to take part in Afroduck’s rebirthing ceremony on Halloween night. Food and drink will be provided (duck confit will be the main dish, with duck à l’orange as the vegetarian option). Students wishing to swim with Afroduck after he is reborn must bring their own swimwear and towels.
Written by Wally Green, Contributor