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LOS ANGELES, CA & WASHINGTON, DC – Today on Christmas, two halves of the nation are in morning for wildly different reasons, as superstar pop diva Queen of Christmas Mariah Carey and Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell were both found dead at the age of 68.
Vigils sprang up around the country for Carey, who throughout her decades long career had gained a reputation for controversy and notable beefs with high profile celebrities such as Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Lopez and Mitch McConnell
Meanwhile, the Senate voted down a motion to hold a moment of silence for McConnell who throughout his decades long career had gained a reputation for controversy and notable beefs with high profile political figures such as Nicki Minaj, Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey.
Carey’s funeral was held Friday, with thousands turning out to pay their respects. She was eulogized by her close personal friend, Nicholas C Kringle, who has since garnered controversy after he was caught lip-syncing the speech that he delivered at her graveside.
McConnell’s death is being investigated by the same team of investigators tasked with solving JonBenet Ramsey’s death after his body was found in suspicious circumstances.
According to an official release from Lexington Police, McConnell was found, “Wrapped head to toe in red wrapping paper, tinsel strewn about, a pistol with three bullets missing lying on the floor, and several fruitcakes spelling out the phrase ‘IT’S TIME’ on the floor.
At the time of the discovery, Carey was assumed to be the primary suspect, until reports of her untimely demise reached the eastern United States. At the time of her death, Carey was reportedly drinking a large glass of eggnog while exclaiming ‘It’s perfect! They’ll never know!’ and asking to be driven to a cabin in Portland that no one knows she owns.
Her estate asks that all cards and flowers be sent to her studio in Los Angeles.
Update: Mariah Carey was recently arrested in a Seattle museum after being found sabotaging a Hanukkah parade and exclaiming “I won’t wish for snow! I won’t wish for snow!” She is expected to be indicted for McConnell’s murder early next week.
Written by Owen Phillips, Treasurer