13.8 Billion Years Ago
From the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, boom! The Big Bang sent seven elemental crystals hurdling across the virgin universe. These Infinity Stones each control an essential aspect of existence. Space. Reality. Power. Soul. Mind. Time. And Sundial.
66 Million Years Ago
Everybody knows about T. rex, but actually the most fearsome dinosaur of all time was Tyrannosaurus sundial, which hunted its prey by stunning them into submission with its cringe-worthy jokes. A complete fossilized skeleton of T. sundial is on display at the Orton Geological Museum right here on campus.
5 Thousand Years Ago
Archaeologists from the Cairo Institute of Archaeology have recently uncovered millenia-old hieroglyphs in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Thanks to the wonders of Google Translate, they now know that the hieroglyphs depict the early progenitors of the Sundial as they wrote the first-ever joke book in recorded history.
33 AD
Sundial Editor-in-Chief Jesus of Nazareth thought it would be a funny practical joke if he played hide-and-seek for three days straight. Some of the Sundial’s writers might have taken the story a little too far.
April 14th, 1912
The day the Titanic sank! The man in charge of watching for icebergs was too busy writing a story for the Sundial, and failed to notice the giant chunk of sea ice looming in the distance. His story was posthumously read aloud on the Oval in his honor, but only about five listeners showed up – three of which were squirrels.
Present Day
A former Editor-in-Chief of the Sundial has been elected President of the United Nations General Assembly. Both the White House and the Kremlin are filled with former Sundial writers. Following the retirement of Pope Francis, a Sundial operative will be chosen as leader of the Catholic Church. The point is, we are everywhere; we control everything; and we meet every Wednesday at 8pm in the Union. So join us… or else!
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer