OSU CAMPUS, COLUMBUS: In a highly disappointing but not surprising move, THE™ Ohio State University Athletics Department has trademarked the™ Script Ohio™ logo. This is to help OSU gain revenue by holding sole selling rights to Script Ohio™ T-Shirts, stickers, and tattoos. Unfortunately, the US Supreme Court has ruled that marching band sets classify as Field Tattoos, so The™ Best Damn Band In The™ Land™ has found itself without a Proper Noun to Script out.
This has stirred up major trouble for The™ Ohio State University Marching and Athletic Bands. Since the™ band can not afford to pay the™ royalties for marching Script Ohio™, they now have to pick a new 4-letter Proper Noun to write. This has led to an uncharacteristically impassioned and vile disagreement between members of the™ directing staff.
Dr. Christopher Hoch, headstrong leader of the™ Marching and Athletics bands and in not knowing the™ newfangled slang of the™ day, believes that they should take this opportunity to honor one of the™ most beloved and accomplished Band Directors in Ohio State History: “Hoch”. When asked for comment, Hoch noted: “TBDBITL has a long-standing tradition of having two of the same letter in the Script.” When pressed for more, Dr. Hoch also said it would be “pretty cool” and would “make him feel better about not having his name under his portrait in the rehearsal hall.”
The™ main opposition to “Hoch” comes from every Athletic Band member’s favorite: the™ one and only: Phil Day! Like Dr. Hoch, Professor Day believes that it would be best for the™ band to Script his name, “P.Day”. “What that insipid hooligan Hoch fails to realize is that there Needs to be a ‘Dotte’r from the Sousa section for Script. ‘P.Day’ would have the dot there. It’s so simple, even Hoch could understand that.” 4th-year Sousaphone player Sean Myers has come out in support of P.Day’s inclusion of a dot, adding that “Hoch may get away with neglecting woodwind rights, but I’ll gladly Drive, Drive his corpse under the Fie-LD before he tramples over Sousaphone rights”. Graduate Assistant and mediocre drill writer Dustin “Diags” Ferguson chimed in unprompted that “P.Day” has a Diag in it… he’s got my vote”.
The selection of the™ new Script Proper Noun will be decided in democratic republic fashion. The Athletic Band Advisory Council (ABAC) will serve as the Electoral College. Each section representative’s vote will be determined by a simple majority in each section’s GroupMe Group Chat.
However, many Athletic Bands Vets are throwing their favor and write-in votes for recently deposed Mike Smith’s proposal of Scripting “HBCU” while “dancing like we’re in one…”
Written by Idris Malik, Clarinet