COLUMBUS, OHIO. The Ohio State University has created a new department designed to improve the disappointingly low average GPA among students, according to a Tweet posted on the university’s official Twitter account. The department’s chief initiative is tentatively known as “The Final Solution,” and calls for students identified as having low GPAs to be given free Ohio State-branded condoms.
“Obviously, this is a long-term approach,” said department chair Josef Mengele, who spearheaded the program. “Preventing delinquents from siring offspring does nothing to improve Ohio State’s standing in the world today. In the short run, we’re working with senate Republicans on a new bill that would provide every COAM administrator with a license to kill. This, I think, would be the quickest way to produce some real results.”
Mengele went on to explain that the university would be providing partial tuition refunds to students who voluntarily undergo a vasectomy or full castration. “Money is the finest motivator of them all,” he confided with a wink. “We will quite literally pay you to pop in for a quick procedure at one of our special clinics in the Wexner Center. My team has been working closely with one of the surgeons over there, Dr. Richard Strauss Jr., who seems very enthusiastic about taking on new student patients.”
Students who show proof of sterility will be eligible for a tuition discount in future semesters. This program has been met with some criticism from university Treasurer Jake Wozniak, who complained that the financial incentives would most likely result in a smaller-than-usual pay raise for university administrators at the end of the year.
“These so-called ‘financial incentives’ are taking money out of my – I mean, our – pockets,” Wozniak angrily declared. “To improve the average GPA, all the university has to do is fudge the numbers a little bit. I do it all the time as Treasurer! Every Ohio State student who has taken a calculus or accounting course knows that the sum of two numbers is not what it actually adds up to; it’s what you want it to be!”
To show his support for the initiative, Ohio State mascot Brutus Buckeye is set to appear on national television as his buckeyes are removed in front of a live audience. The broadcast is scheduled to air later this week.
Written by Hans Landa