The Ancient Greeks thought they were at the center of all creation. But today, Ohio State astronomers have been able to scientifically prove that we are the center of everything. That’s right; ‘all roads lead to Ohio State’, as the ancient proverb says. Everything in the entire cosmos revolves around us (including Michigan – suck it, Wolverines). 

This groundbreaking revelation was made by researchers in the Department of Astronomy, led by Dr. Wayne Schlingman. “Our team meticulously analyzed the cosmic vibrations emanating from every corner of the galaxy, and lo and behold, they all led back to Buckeye Nation!” Schlingman declared, speaking to us from his top secret headquarters (conveniently located at 4057 McPherson Lab). 

We asked Dr. Schlingman to explain in layman’s terms how his team had arrived at their remarkable discovery. “We noticed that the Sun, the Moon, and all of the constellations appear to revolve around the Earth,” he shared. “This unequivocally implies that we are at the center of the universe! And after analyzing some data we downloaded off of Google Maps, we were able to pinpoint the precise location as being the exact spot where the statue of William Oxley Thompson stands overlooking the Oval!”

The Nobel Prize Committee has already declared this to be the “most significant scientific achievement in decades”, and strongly hinted that Dr. Schlingman would be receiving the prestigious Nobel Prize in Physics later this year. 

Meanwhile on campus, members of the “William Oxley Thompson Fan Club” are claiming that Schlingman’s discovery is proof of their theory that Thompson was the reincarnation of Christ. 

“The dude literally has a statue, a bust, and a library named after him, and people still think he was just a mere mortal?” scoffed a member of the Thompson Fan Club. “What the public fails to realize is that the Holy Bible literally prophesied Thompson’s tenure as university president, in all those references to ‘The Second Coming.’ Anyway, I’m not surprised that the center of all creation is located at Thompson’s statue on the Oval; we’ve long considered it our Mecca, so really it’s only fitting.”

Written by Neil DeGrasse Tyson