Earlier this week, Ohio State University administrators commented on a recent report detailing the student mental health crisis on campus.
“While we commiserate with our students and feel some sympathy for them, we see no reason to expend more of our time and financial resources on promoting students’ mental health,” one staff member said. “The University’s money could be better spent on a whole bunch of other things: pay raises for faculty and staff, for example, or maybe new jerseys for the football team (haha, see what I did there?). Sadly, at the end of the day, there’s simply nothing left for those students who feel ‘sad’ or ‘down’ all the time.”
“Sometimes I get depressed, too,” sniffled Brutus Buckeye. “Whenever we lose to Michigan, I ask myself, ‘what is the point of living?’ After last season, I tried booking an appointment with Counseling and Consultation Services. They made me wait three months for a 10 minute phone call, during which the only advice they gave was, ‘Have you tried drinking more water?’ Sometimes I fantasize about leaving it all behind and transferring to the University of Michigan.”
Interim President Dr. Meanie McMeanface had a different view of the matter.
“Students always have something to complain about,” dismissed Dr. McMeanface. “Whether it’s about the difficulty of their classes or how pathetic their sex lives are, Ohio State students have more self-pitying remarks than IQ points. Besides, the University has already been more than gracious in its efforts to support student mental health. Remember those little succulents we gave out on the Oval? Those cost us millions, and we didn’t receive so much as a thank-you!”
“As Americans, we each have the right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,” declared USG president Bobby McAlpine. “We may have signed away our lives and liberty when we paid our tuition, but they can’t take away our right to be happy! We’re not asking the University for much. At the very least they should offer students free electroshock therapy, or maybe some hardcore drugs to dull our senses. We would even settle for allowing the use of fake IDs at campus bars again. I, for one, would rather be comfortably numb the next time I sit down for a Marc Smith Accounting exam.”
For all the students out there who’ve been let down by Ohio State’s inadequate mental healthcare system: The Sundial is here for you. Prozac and talk therapy are bullshit. Laughter really is the best medicine.
Written by Crying in Columbus