My Lord, I have just seen a film of utter Contradiction. It is a film worthy of the Highest Court in many Respects, but tawdry and unfit in so many others. Argo directed and starring Benjamin from the House of Affleck. He is a master of the screen in the same manner that My Lord is in the realm of Politics. Benjamin of Affleck portrays an agent of Espionage tasked with that most unenviable of missions—Extraction. Persian heathens have ransacked a diplomatic outpost belonging to the New World (which My Lord has so wisely ruled over) leaving only a small band of hearty travellers stranded in the Far East. Benjamin of Affleck concocts the most elaborate Ruse to make the Persians grant him Entrance—a false Cinematic Endeavor! And oh the suspense! One needs to retouch the face powder often, for the Sweat doth come in Rivers (though I am sure My Lord’s Divine Countenance can surely weather it)! There is so much Daring, so much cavalier Attitude taken towards Danger, that I began to think Nature’s Law’s against willfully harming oneself did not henceforth apply!

Now it comes time to divulge the film’s detriments. First, on the topic of face Powders, this Film hath not a smattering! The greasy Visages of the performers are displayed without shame or Trepidation. Nor are the faces of the Men shaven like proper Gentlemen! Ghastly reams of Hair adorn almost every Actor as if one was peering into a Pirate’s Den (though My Lord hath so swiftly eradicated the High Seas of any threat from those Rogues)! Onto the dress of the performers, which rivaled their faces in poor Presentation. The Women let their waists flout all good Convention in the absence of Corsets, and their hair had so little Height as to be flat on their heads. Even the strumpets of Whitehall would laugh them across the Thames! And the Men seem to know not that Wigs or Knickerbockers exist! Their legs are covered with shapeless Clothes only befitting Beggars or Drunkards. These inadequacies vexed me in such a manner that I petitioned a Cinema laborer but only mockery resulted.

But perhaps the Sense most offended by Argo is that of hearing. The Music, as I judged it, contained only the strangest Warbles and Shrieks (nothing at all like the Heavenly Compositions My Lord hath so graciously commissioned for his Subjects)! Satan himself would not torment sinners with such noises!

So it can be seen that despite what Benjamin of Affleck has accomplished in the practical Realm, he is but an Infant in Fashionable Taste. I bestow upon Argo only two huffs of a Snuff (though My Lord may think differently, and if that be the case, his Will as Divine Sovereign will prevail throughout the Commonwealth, for my Will is His).

Yours in Joyous Servitude,

Archibald James of Essex

Royal Cinema Taster 

-Kyle Marks, Contributor