I cried when I found out John Candy died. I remember the day well. It was yesterday. I looked at the IMDB page for Home Alone, which led me to John Candy’s IMDB page, which led me to notice that John Candy was deceased, which led me to depression. I cried. I cried yesterday, and I cried myself to sleep, and I cried again today. In the middle of comparative studies, I cried. No, I didn’t cry, I bawled. My professor asked why I cried. I told him because the world is dead to me, and there is no god, because John Candy died.
I cried when I found John Candy was in non-holiday movies. I cried when I saw that John Candy had been in movies other than Home Alone, Uncle Buck, and Trains, Planes, & Automobiles. I saw that Senior Candy was in Spaceballs, and I cried. I cried tears of joy, and then I cried tears of sorrow, because John Candy is dead. I thought to myself, John Candy would have made a damn good Hagrid, I mean a damn good Hagrid. And then I cried. I cried because John Candy could never be Hagrid, because John Candy is dead. Oh yeah, he was in Cool Runnings too, I smile because I remember how much I love John Candy and Cool Runnings, and now I cry because he is dead.
I cried when I found out John Candy has no relation to Macaulay Culkin. I guess when I saw Uncle Buck it was so real. I just assumed that John Candy was Macaulay Culkin’s real uncle, or maybe a distant relative. They have so much chemistry. I just cried, right now, as I write this. They had so much chemistry. Maybe Macaulay Culkin could have a strange love affair with Mrs. Candy. Then Macaulay Culkin and John Candy would be related by some kind of strange twisted, bending family tree. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s dead. John Candy is dead.
I cried when I found out John Candy’s wife was dead in Plains, Trains, & Automobiles. Now I cry, not for John Candy’s fictitious wife, but for John Candy. What kind of shit stained world can exist without John Candy? I’m depressed, and I’m crying, because John Candy is dead. Six feet deep, in some wooden box, John Candy’s beautiful smile is decaying; I cry, deeply.
I cry because I never had the chance to meet John Candy. Even if I wanted to meet John Candy, I couldn’t, because he’s dead. John Candy’s been dead. I cry because John Candy didn’t overdose, he didn’t do too much cocaine. I cry because the only thing John Candy OD’d on was love, and cholesterol. Why couldn’t it have been Tim Allen, or someone else people didn’t care about? Why did it have to be John Candy, a beloved American hero? This world is an utter shit-hole, and somewhere John Candy is buried in it.
I cried because John Candy died, but I am happy that such a wonderful comedian could grace the world with his presence, no matter how short lived. John Candy was not a comedian; he was a legend, a hero. I watched Cool Runnings again, and I remembered what a brilliant comedian John Candy was. John Candy was not crude and obnoxious; John Candy was tasteful and witty. I aspire to be a comedian like John Candy; if I could be half the comedian John Candy was, I would be happy. I’m happy that I just got to witness John Candy’s comedy gold in his cinema. I’m happy, because even though he passed, John Candy got to leave his beautiful mark on this planet.
Forget that, this is hell on earth. I cry, I bawl, I vomit from crying so hard. The tears drip down my cheeks, the tears flow down my cheeks. I cry so hard I think some blood came out of my tear ducts, but I don’t care, I’m too busy crying, about John Candy. I fall asleep crying, I’m afraid that I’m going to drown in a puddle of my own tears as I sleep and weep, but I don’t care. If I die, maybe I’ll get to see John Candy again. I sob, I weep, I bawl, I howl, I moan, I whimper, I whine, I cry, and I repeat, until I’m dead, just like John Candy.
I cry because I think of John Candy, and all of the smiles and memories he has given me. I cry because I can’t remember if Plains, Trains, & Automobiles is a Christmas movie or a Thanksgiving. I will cry as I have my funeral for John Candy, I’ll watch Plains, Trains, & Automobiles and say a few nice words about John Candy, and cry, and I’ll bury the DVD. Then I’ll cry during the wake, while I watch Home Alone. I’ll keep crying, everyday, until my tears run dry, and I’m dead, just like John Candy. I wish I knew where John Candy was right now, so I could give him a hug and a kiss, and cry as I watched him smile. I love you John Candy, and may you rest in piece, probably in Hell.
-Scott Miller, Contributor