Hello, beloved readers of The Sundial. I called up God the other day, (Yeah, I have his number), and I got his secretary, Becky. “You have those horoscopes for me today?” I asked. “Right here, Mr. Fogle! Oh, and God says hi!” She responded. “G-man!!” I said, “Tell him I say holla!” Becky’s a great girl. Anyway, she gave me the following horoscopes. Without further ado, here are your fates:

Aquarius- Ohhhh, Gemini is in the third house of Jupiter and it does not look good! You will have a mid-day existential crisis (thanks to all your consecutive midterms) and feel like running away from everything and starting a new life out west, but then realize that all these emotions were brought about by a mood swing from the unholy amount of coffee you drank this morning.

Pisces- He’s deceiving you! Reach into his pocket now, and take what he’s got!

Aries– While the ice cream in your freezer can stave off temporary sadness, it can’t stave off your eventual oblivion. Unless it’s Graeter’s. If you eat enough Graeter’s you become immortal. Morbidly obese and immortal.

Taurus- You are reading this sentence right now and realize that this horoscope is self-referential. You smile faintly in amusement at the previous sentence. You snort slightly at that sentence. You are now giggling. You giggle a bit more at the fact that you are giggling because this horoscope is telling you to giggle. You are now chortling! What the hell kind of word is chortling anyway? It just doesn’t sound pleasant. Like a mixture of “choke” and “turtle.” Why would you choke a turtle, you bastard? While we’re on the subject, how would you choke a turtle? They could pull away back in their shells and stuff. You’d have to be patient. Anyway, you read this last sentence, and move on to the next horoscope, hoping it’s not as long and rambling…

Gemini-.You are now caught up on every episode of Breaking Bad and don’t know what to do with yourself until the next episodes come out. Try keeping a journal. Or going outside. NAH JUST KIDDING! You’re gonna go on another wild NetFlix binge. Maybe one of those shows about Sherlock Holmes. Ahhh, NetFlix is your soulmate.

Cancer– Aries is in the fifth house of Taurus and Aquarius is sitting directly on the sun as if it is a futon or something. Therefore, when you read this, take some delicious food item out of your refrigerator, (preferably one that won’t spoil fast), wrap it in a plastic bag, take it to the actual Sundial on the Oval, and leave it on one of the benches there. Next time you return to that spot, it will be gone. I promise it’s not just because we writers have no money and are really, really hungry. The stars and shit are actually saying this, I promise. (If you could also throw in some Swiffer pads, that’d be nice.)

Leo– You may end up spending the night in the cardboard city for charity. While noble, keep in mind that SPENDING A SINGLE NIGHT IN A CARDBOARD BOX DOES NOT SIMULATE HOMELESSNESS, IT SIMULATES A CAMPING TRIP.

Virgo– You will not get laid.

Libra– Oh God, it’s behind you now! IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Scorpio– Since all the Scorpios died last week, this slot will now be used for ad space. On that note, It’s Avocado Season at Subway! So Come In And Try Our $4 Lunch Specials! Subway: Eat Fresh!

Sagittarius– Holy balls! The constellation Orion is trying to use the moon as a Frisbee! That being said, your humanities professor will experiment with his face by growing a soul patch. He may even ask your opinion about it. Respond in monosyllables only.

Capricorn– Don’t be afraid to be yourself! Unless you’re in public.Then in that case be what they want you to be. Fit in! It’s the only way to survive! But otherwise do your best to be spontaneous and creative! Unless you are within earshot of another living person. Then just keep your head down.

-Ben Fogle, Contributor