By Keith Barnes
Has it really been fifty years already? It seems like just yesterday that I was cast as Garry Goat on Barnyard. I can still remember that smiling goat holding up a bag of Johnson’s Livestock Feed and saying my immortal catchphrase, “This is baaaaaaad news!” Then Chuckie Chicken would hold up Anderson’s Animal Feed and say his catchphrase, “Bak Bak Bak Buy It!” It was a simpler time, shattered by that fateful November day in Dallas. The President died and so did my career for a time. See, when I heard Kennedy had been shot, my comic instincts kicked in and I made a joke about the luck of the Irish. The other guys at the bar just didn’t get it.
My jaw was broken in three places, rendering me unable to do voice work. Barnyard voided my contract, and even took away any future royalties. Lawyers have the best imaginations kids! By the time 1966 rolled around, I didn’t think I’d ever work again. There was good reason for doubt, as my next job didn’t come until 1974, when I was cast on the educational public television series Learn It! It was so refreshing to be educating kids, especially with such a great character like Jamie, the precocious middle school student. He didn’t know much, did he kids! “Wawawawhat’s Thththat?” he’d ask with that adorable stutter. And the producers cared, too. Every day they were on the phone with Washington, discussing checks and cash drops for the show. Every show taught kids valuable lessons: The importance of applying a thick coat of Turtle Wax on Dad’s car. Hoover Vacuums get chores done faster. Head and Shoulders clears up that embarrassing dandruff. Bullies respect a Marlboro Man. Kids just don’t know these things today. Unfortunately, Learn It! was cancelled after our producers were indicted for their roles in the Watergate scandal.
Fortunately, Turtle Wax paid off the cast so we wouldn’t divulge their role in Watergate. Jamie says, “NuNuNo OOOne LuLuLikes a SnaSnaSnitch.” After Learn It!, I could afford to pursue the projects I was passionate about— mostly cockfighting. Eleven years of cockfighting. Indonesia, what a whacky place kids! In 1985, under grave financial pressure, I signed on to play Alphatron on Robotoybots. It was set in the future, where radioactive fallout from a nuclear war turns toys into transforming robots. The narrative format broke new ground, as every episode’s ending was determined by which sponsor’s product sold best among the 5-12 year old demographic the previous week. Hershey’s usually beat Tide. The show was my longest role, lasting until 1989, when the ninth cease and desist order from Transformers arrived. Due to the outcome of the subsequent litigation, I can no longer say my character’s catchphrase (there are those lovable lawyers again kids!), but darn it if I don’t find it keyed into the driver’s side door of my car every now and again by a devoted fan.
The last twenty-four years brought no more work or hush money. Things are getting tight. Three brief jobs are not nearly enough to fill out a memoir with, only this article, and I already spent the money I got for it buffing out my car door. But hey, there’s always the charity of fans, right? If you remember any of my classic characters, throw an old pro a bone you ungrateful scamp. Send money to the 3rd St. YMCA in NYC, room 121. You don’t want Alphatron to go back to cockfighting do you? The chickens don’t deserve that. Well anyway, it’s been Hell, kids. Until next time, remember: following your dreams is baaaaaaad news!
-Kyle Marks, Contributor