Hello, beloved readers of The Sundial.  An invisible, disembodied voice follows me around all day and whispers truths into my ear.  Awful, mind-shattering truths that destroy my construct of reality on a daily basis.  It also whispers twelve horoscopes into my face!  Without further ado, here are your fates:

Aquarius- Jupiter is rising.  Therefore, you will be mobbed by stinkbugs.  Grotesque amounts of stinkbugs.  In your room, in your classroom, on the bus, in the rain, in a train, in a box, with a fox, would you like them here or there?  Would you like them anywhere?

Pisces- Your humanities professor will offer you an outlandish extra-credit assignment.  Do not participate.  It won’t make any difference, because they don’t actually keep track of grades.  Their method is to think of your name, chuck a copy of “Leaves of Grass” at the wall as hard as they can, and stick their finger on whatever page it lands.  Your grade is whichever letter they happen to touch.

Aries- By Neptune’s Gonads!  Venus is getting it on with the constellation Orion right now, as you read this!  Likewise, you should also consider getting it on with someone named Venus.  You just tried to think of a Venus you know, but all you could think of was the Tennis Player.  Then you imagined getting it on with Venus Williams.  If you didn’t, then you are now.

Taurus- You will walk down the sidewalk sipping a Pumpkin-spice latte and eating your pumpkin pie with your Pumpkin-flavored Pumpkin-Pumpkin and resolve to name your child Autumn in honor of this wonderful season.

Gemini- Your mind has become sluggish from all your wild Netflix binges, such as Breaking Bad.  Oh, sorry I mentioned Breaking Bad.  I know you’re still getting over the end.  Hey, other shows will come along!  You just gotta keep your head up!  Stay in the game!  I know you’re hurt right now, but you’ll look back on it someday as a fond memory!  Trust me, you’ll find someone else.  Try an older show, like Madmen.  It’s an AMC original series and I hear it’s just as good as Breaking Bad, if not better.

Cancer- Taurus is in front of the sun and Gemini is in the fifth house of Neptune.  This means you need to go outside and do 20 jumping jacks while reciting the UN charter.  Hey, don’t ask me why; I’m just the interpreter.  I’m not the all-powerful cosmic space-tortoise that decides these kinds of things.  Don’t shoot the messenger, man!

Leo- So, Virgo was talking to Venus at this house party at Mercury’s place, and she was all like, “OMG, Pisces is such a slut!”  and Venus was all like, “Rigghhht?  You know what she does with those two heads?”  and then Virgo was all like, “Shhhyeeaaahhh!  I heard Gemini had a good time the other night!”  and then Venus wall all like, “Ewwwwww!”  and just then Pisces walked in and she was wearing the same outfit as Virgo!  In astrological terms, this basically translates to “you will have gas all week.”

Virgo- You will not get laid.

Libra- Today you should make an impulse purchase.  Don’t even think about it, just do it.  Like, right now.  On Amazon, or Ebay.  Ooooo, that Kindle Fire is kind of expensive…Well, alright, it’s your tuition I guess.

Scorpio- Because all the Scorpios died that one time (See the first Sundial Weekly Horoscopes), this slot is being used for ad space.  While contemplating their sudden and horrific deaths, you could be munching on a delicious Doritos Locos Tacos™, available only at Taco Bell!  Live Más!

Sagittarius- You will not know how popular the Nintendo 3DS is until you see every single freaking person on your floor playing Pokemon X.   And the occasional Pokemon Y.

Capricorn- Holy Hades’s Manberries!  The stars have told me to tell you to jaywalk.  Just do it.  Be the first one to break the tension, jump in, and go for it.  It turns out at OSU 80% of the walking signs don’t ever actually tell you to walk.  They just stay on the red hand and occasionally blink once or twice.

-Ben Fogle, Contributor