Week 1:
The Bachelor: “I’m ready to take this journey. I’m ready to find the woman of my dreams, settle down with her and start a family. I want someone I can wake up to every morning, and grow old with. I really believe that my wife is somewhere in these 25 women.”
*Ab shots in the kitchen*
*Ab shots by the pool*
*Ab shots in the shower*
The women:
“OMG I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m searching for love on national television. I really believe that love will find me this time around.”
“He is literally the hottest man to ever walk this planet, I just can’t even right now, like what.”
“All these b*tches better back off. He’s my future husband. I’m the sweetest girl in the world but I will literally end these girls if they get in my way.”
Weeks 2-3:
Every forgettable, sane girl is sent home. None of the fans even try to remember their names. The Bachelor thankfully also sends Ashley P., Ashley H. and Ashley C. home solely due to their parent’s lack of imagination.
Week 4:
It is revealed that one of the bachelorettes still has a boyfriend back home. The Bachelor is crushed by this news, and doesn’t think he will be able to continue on this journey to find love. He doesn’t think he can ever trust again.
Week 5:
Shockingly, he somehow pulls through and decides to continue the show he is contractually obligated to finish. But he’s still pretty heartbroken and stuff.
*Emotional ab shot*
Week 6:
The Bachelor and the remaining ladies begin their trip around the world. The women are jetted off on private planes, and have entire mansions rented out for just them. They are treated like celebrities and the women believe this is how the rest of their lives will be like if they are the winner. (LOLOLOLOLOL).
Week 7:
On top of a secluded snowy mountain in Switzerland, one of the women finally says those three magical words to the Bachelor: “I love you.” He smiles and responds with “Thanks”. It is one of the most romantic moments of the season.
*Ab shot while still on top of the mountain*
Week 8: Hometown Dates
Father of one of the women: “This here is my baby girl. Are you gonna protect my little angel’s heart? Are you going to marry her and vow to be faithful to her for the rest of your life?”
The Bachelor: “Ummm…she’s like super awesome and fun. So do I have your blessing?”
*Ab shot with the family dog*
Week 9:
The final two ladies remain. They are both extremely scared that they will be rejected on national television. You would think that they would have considered this before signing up for the show, but apparently not.
Week 10:
The Bachelor has made his decision. He sends the fan favorite home and predictably proposes to the one woman that everyone hates. They call off the engagement two months later and their story is featured in People Magazine, US Weekly, and Time Magazine, cause it’s that big of a deal. No one could have seen this coming. It literally came out of nowhere.
The rejected woman surprisingly becomes the next Bachelorette. Finding love on national television worked so well the first time, so why not try it again?
I’m not Chris Harrison, and this has been a preview of this season of “The Bachelor”.
-Marianne Iskander, Contributor