In late April of 1945, with his Third Reich in ruins and the Soviets closing in, Adolf Hitler committed suicide . . . or rather that is what the history books would have you believe. In reality, having been too cowardly to kill himself, Hitler escaped his bunker (sans that nag Eva Braun) and, having been too prone to sunburns for South America, moved to the one place no one would ever think to look—Brooklyn, NY.  It was there that Der Fürher became Moishe Hitlerberg—Anti-Semitic Rabbi!™    With his new curly sideburns distracting the congregation from the trademark mustache he refused to shave, Moishe Hitlerberg performed his sacred rabbinical duties, like: removing a foreskin during a bris with his eyes closed while wearing three layers of latex gloves; presiding over a wedding and vomiting a little in his mouth when the groom kissed the bride; and tutoring a bar mitzvah boy in Mein Kampf instead of his Torah portion.  It only took a few weeks for Hitlerberg to annex the other neighborhood synagogues.  Soon everyone was abuzz about the new Rabbi shaking up the old order and refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

For five inexplicable years, Moishe Hitlerberg served as a pillar of the Jewish community.    Temple Beth Eagle’s Nest had the best attendance in the city, thanks to the Hitlerberg Youth and the groundbreaking propaganda film “Triumph of the Will of Shabbat.” New positions were always opening in the ever-expanding synagogue bureaucracy.  Though some congregants thought his ways to be unorthodox (especially his German-heavy Yiddish), they couldn’t deny Hitlerberg’s delicious Bratwurst Challah.  And other Rabbis just didn’t come close to the intensity of Hitlerberg’s rambling sermons, which alerted Jews everywhere to the dangers of an international conspiracy of money-grubbing, big nosed . . . people.  This all lasted until one wise little girl said, “Hey that’s Adolf fucking Hitler, you idiots!” and he was killed.  Thus, the legend of Moishe Hitlerberg—Anti-Semitic Rabbi™ war fertig.

-Kyle Marks, Staff-Writer 

DISCLAIMER: Kyle Marks is a man of proud Jewish heritage.  It was not his wish to offend in any way Jewish culture or history.  If you wish to express any concerns, feel free to bring them to the man responsible for the content of this publication, Collin Gossel, Editor-in-Chief of The Sundial Humor Magazine.